Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about what it is exactly that seems to tear at my relationship, what creates the most problems. I had been feeling what I thought was jealousy stemming from insecurity. I mentioned earlier I don't like these feelings and don't like the behaviors I had been resorting to because of them. So I decided that in order to fix the problem I would first need to learn more about this thing called insecurity. Today however, I realized that I, for the most part, am not an insecure person. Defined as "lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt", or any of the following:
- Feeling of not being "good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.
- Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.
- Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.
- Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.
- Sense of not fitting in, being "out of sync'' with those in your peer group.
- Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.
- Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.
- Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.
- Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.
- Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are, and what responses are appropriate for events in life.
Sure I can say that sometimes I don't feel I have the support I need at work or sometimes my family doesn't quite understand me. And lately I have been feeling overwhelmed at times because of some of the changes in my life. However, I move forward. These things don't stop me. I don't feel I am inadequate or that I am incapable of being loved. I do get to a point of frustration and sometimes think I won't find love. But do I really believe that? No, not at all. I do feel that life has thrown me a few curve balls and sometimes it feels like it's intentional. But I have to laugh at that. Intentional? By who? Besides, I always work through my challenges and get past them. And I'm not afraid to fail.
So, what is this feeling that is plaguing me in my relationship? Well... trust, "to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something; confident expectation of something; hope." or any of the following:
- Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.
- Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.
- Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.
- Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.
- The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.
- The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.
- The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.
- The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.
- Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.
- The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.
Still a bad thing, not any better than insecurity... maybe even worse. If this is the problem, how does this apply to my relationship?
On the positive side, I do open myself up and share my vulnerabilities and trust that they are secure. I also let my emotions be known although sometimes I don't always feel that my lover supports me in what I am going through. The biggest problems revolve around having little hope that the relationship will be long lasting and having a fear of dishonesty in the relationship.
Everyone always says, "Trust is something you earn," meaning over time a person trusts you more and more by being someone who is trustworthy. It is built upon. Early in the relationship I didn't have these feelings. If trust is built over time and the feelings were practically nonexistent in the beginning of my relationship, then when and how did they originate? There were two major incidents that occurred that I struggled with that seemed "out of place" and "not right". I confronted my lover both times. He assured me that they were nothing of value and not true. My heart told me to trust but my head told me that the answers were not good enough for closure. Now I am somewhat distrusting and it doesn't feel good. And it continues to create problems.
My first step, refute my irrational beliefs and replace them with new beliefs.
Irrational beliefs that I have:
- Negative sets of habitual responses we hold to when faced with stressful events or situations.
- Self-defeating ways of acting. On the surface they may look appropriate for the occasion, but actually they result in a neutral or negative consequence for us.
- Habitual ways of thinking, feeling, or acting that we think are effective; however, in the long run they are ineffectual.
- Counterproductive ways of thinking, which give comfort and security in the short run, but either do not resolve or actually exacerbate the problem in the long run.
- Negative or pessimistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.
- Patterns of thinking that make us appear to others as stubborn, bullheaded, intemperate, argumentative, or aloof.
- Means by which we become confused about the intentions of others when we are enmeshed in interpersonal problems with them.
Behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs I could have in order to develop trust:
- Hope in the goodness of mankind: Without such hope people can become emotionally stuck, reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not evil, bad, or ill-willed.
- Faith in the fairness of life: This faith in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief,'' that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually "get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway later in this life or in the next.
- Belief in a power greater than yourself: This is the acceptance of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience, whatever you will encounter in life. Rather than believing that you are 100% in control of your destiny, belief in this spiritual power enables you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you accept God's will in your life and enables you to let go of your distrust and isolation from others. If God is in control of the universe, you can lighten your load and let God do some of the leading in your life. "Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.
- A healing environment: This is the creating of a trust bond with the significant others in your personal life where blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode the participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues. The participants are then willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.
- Reduction of a sense of competition: This reducing of competition, jealousy, and defensiveness with significant others in your life is a way to reduce the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual trust.
- Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts: Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and the significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.
- Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become a real person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.
- Becoming vulnerable: This enables you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for who they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.
- Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.
- Self-acceptance: Accepting who you are and what your potential is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.
References:
dictionary.com and
coping.org
