Weekly Horoscope

Okay, I'm not the type of person to take horoscopes super serious. But on occasion, especially when things look so hazy or uncertain to me, I like to look just to see what mine will say. When I do it seems like the are dead on like 90% of the time. I honestly don't know how the do that. Here's my love horoscope (from Astrology.com) for the past few days and the rest of the week and into next week...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
You can argue about this topic repeatedly, or you can resolve to let bygones be bygones. Frankly, working it over like a dog with a bone isn't yielding many results, so why not figure out a different approach?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Remember that old slogan, 'Make love, not war'? Yes, some emotions are running high, but the end result is up to you and your sweetheart. You can turn this into something positive and affectionate.

Thursday, November 29, 2007
Properly deployed, your charm is nothing short of lethal. In fact, your sweetheart might have a moment when they're a tad tongue-tied. If you know the right thing to say, go ahead and say it. They'll be grateful you did.

Friday, November 30, 2007
Putting yourself first might seem strange, but it's the greatest thing you could do for yourself (and your partner) right now. Learning to take care of your own needs builds a stronger relationship.

Saturday, December 1, 2007
Just take it easy and thing are going to work out fine. That's hard to see when you're so up close and personal to one of the details that it looks insurmountable. Try stepping away to see it as it truly is.

Sunday, December 2, 2007
You're ready to communicate, but your sweetie pie might be in a less-talk-more-action kind of mood. Whatever you do, don't force yourselves to be in sync. Just wait until the timing is right. You'll know when that is.

Monday, December 3, 2007
You and your lovebug know how to have a fantastic time in just about any circumstances, but when you're already in the middle of some extremely fun and flirty astral influences -- well, watch out!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Being convinced you always know best is an uncomfortable position to hold. It's time to get off that high horse before you get a cramp. Talk to your sweetie from your heart and you'll see a change in their reactions.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007
You know that with just a little more effort, you can get past this. Why not relax and accept where you are instead? Not only will you feel less tension, the pressure on your relationship will ease up as well. Phew!

Thursday, December 6, 2007
You feel as if you're in a double bind when it comes to this situation because you're deciding for two. The more you fight, the tighter the knots will become. Take a deep breath, trust yourself, then choose.

Friday, December 7, 2007
Now you can see with total clarity what the two of you need to do about the future. Your next task is to discuss the options with your sweetie. You know what the right thing to do is, and your arguments are stellar.

Saturday, December 8, 2007
Are you feeling uncertain about what to do next? Good! Certainty equals finality, and you're not ready to see the end of this situation yet. Toss around a few possibilities with your sweetie about what comes next.

Mediate - INXS

Hallucinate
Dessegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

Love your mate
Don't suffocate on your own hate
Designate your love as fate
A one world state
As human freight
The number eight
A white black state
A gentle trait
The broken crate
A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate
Now devastate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animal we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate

Fascinate
Deviate
Reinstate
Liberate
To moderate
Recreate
Or detonate
Annihiliate
Atomic fate

Mediate
Clear the state
Activate
Now radiate
A perfect state
Food on plate
Gravitate
The Earth's own weight
Designate your love as fate
At ninety-eight we all rotate

Hallucinate
Dessegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

Love your mate
Don't suffocate on your own hate
Designate your love as fate
A one world state
As human freight
The number eight
A white black state
A gentle trait
The broken crate

A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate

Now devastate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animals we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate
Fascinate
Deviate
Reinstate

Liberate
Liberate
Liberate
Liberate

The Hardest Thing

I feel like I just stabbed myself in the heart. The pain is so unbearable. I never knew a person could do this to oneself. I have had a lot of heartbreaks in my life but never that were self inflicted. I wanted so much to hold on, I tried to hold on. I have never loved like this before and now I have thrown it away. How the hell could I hold onto a 16 year marriage with someone I wasn't in love with yet throw a way a relationship with someone I am deeply in love with? I don't deserve to love anyone. I don't believe I was meant to be in love. My deepest fear...

Think Positive

I am so tired of feeling so negative and overwhelmed. It's really not in my true nature and I've been letting it get the better of me. I need to find my way back to my fun loving, relaxed, easy going nature that everyone loves and is quite honestly easier for me.

The Sea of Impossiblity and Uncertainty

For the past week I have felt like I am swimming in a sea of impossibilities... like I have no control over my life and where I am going. How can it be that some aspects of my life are so incredibly perfect and other aspects are so incredibly hopeless and uncertain? Some days I feel like the sea is consuming me, the waves crashing over my head as I struggle to stay afloat and catch my breath. But, I am a strong person and I refuse to be a victim. I won't be. This is just a phase in my life that is meant for me to learn and grow and prevail over.

I have no idea how to get through my divorce. The whole process is going painfully slow. I'm scared. I try so hard to make sure that everyone and everything is taken care of. I worry that the house will not sell and it will affect my finances or that I will be paying the mortgage for so long and it will prevent me from doing what I want to do. I worry that my son is at a vulnerable age and will not have positive influences living with his dad. I want so badly to move on and start thinking about my future and the future of my children. But I feel like I have little control over the progress. On the upside, I did make a decision to change my life. I knew I was not happy where I was and that I never would be. I identified it and was not going to continue on that path. That makes me strong and shows that I care about myself and won't settle for anything less than to be happy.

I feel overwhelmed at work. While I have a lot of support from my peers in making necessary changes to improve overall performance of my team's productivity, I feel like it is always a struggle and that there are certain people sabotaging my efforts. My department is expected to perform, but on occasion we have no cooperation from other departments. I don't believe this is intentional for the most part, at least not by everyone. I feel there is a breakdown in communication and it feels like a power struggle. Which is totally ridiculous because we should all have a common goal. I love my job, I love my work. I worked hard to get where I am. I am very successful and I will continue to be.

My social life is not what I would like it to be. I don't know what I am expecting. Sometimes I sit at home doing nothing. Sometimes I hang with my daughter and her friends, which is fun and I enjoy it, but I need friends my own age. Sometimes I do things with my co-workers that I consider my friends. But they are far away and also cause friction in my relationship. I am happy to have the opportunity to have people in my life who care about me. I want to be able to nurture these relationships and allow more in my life.

My love relationship is beautiful, loving and deep. I have never known anyone like him. I love him and need him. But the relationship will not survive. How can I be certain? He told me. He says he will never hurt me or leave me but I will never be his one and only... ever. I'm glad that he is honest with me, but I hate being reminded of it. It hurts. Maybe I am unrealistic and want too much. I never had any expectations beyond what is in front of me. I only asked to be loved. And he does love me. But I wish I knew what he wanted of me, what he expects of me. Is his ideal that he would continue with his marriage and have me as a lover on the side for the rest of his life? I don't believe he is happy. I wish I knew for sure. I wish I knew what he was going through, what he is feeling. I will love unconditionally. I will never stop loving him. I don't know how a person can love someone and always be content with a relationship that is not allowed to grow past current situations and I am not allowed to look past the present. If I do, I get sad, I start feeling and I hurt him in the process. It hurts me knowing that if I think about wanting to be with him it hurts him and makes him feel guilty and inadequate. In order to be truly happy a person has to have both present pleasure and future benefit. I feel hopeless and that I will lose in the end. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't love so much. That I should just enjoy this current relationship as if it were a fling. I wonder that looking at it that way might make him happy. In the present, this relationship is awesome. I love everything about him, about us, and I am enjoying this sweet affair. I will not let my hopelessness affect my relationship and will do everything I can to nurture it and make it grow regardless of the outcome.

I fear that by exploiting some of these feelings there will be a negative affect. I write these things in my blog because it is therapeutic for me. It gives me an outlet and allows me to be okay with what I am about and what I am feeling and going through. I want to trust that everything will work out. Sometimes it seems like I have so much working against me. It has always felt that way in my life. Like everything I go through is a challenge.

While I feel like I am sinking at times, I wouldn't do anything different and I would welcome all of it all over again. I am unique in my experiences and that's what makes me beautiful as a person. My challenges are my own. I manage through all that is put in front of me and I always overcome. At times I feel overwhelmed and hopeless, but don't feel sorry for me or underestimate me... watch out for me because I am amazing.

The Holidays

I love the holidays... spending time with loved ones, relaxing, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of our busy lives. My first thought of the very fast approaching holidays this year made me very sad. The changes in my life make it seem as though I can't be happy and do the things I love so much about the holiday season. Change can be very overwhelming and scary and holiday's are full of tradition and family and memories. I am going to do my best at making the most of them and not feel all alone.

Thanksgiving Plans:
1. Make Thanksgiving dinner for me and the kids.
2. Call my Mom.
3. Watch the Macy's parade.
4. Watch football.
5. Play Christmas music.
6. Decorate the cabin for Christmas.
7. Go shopping and buy toys for the Toys for Tots collection box.

Christmas Plans:
No plans yet. I may take a trip down to see my mom. I am also considering just taking a trip somewhere... anywhere. I don't know if I want to or can stay home. Now I am sad again. I can't wait until I stop feeling this way.

Lover

Lover, you touched me so deeply. I found so much in you, more than can be put into mere words. I have never in my entire existence had such intense feelings for someone. I fear I will never feel again, I will be dead... heartbroken and lonely. I wish I could touch you the way you touched me.

Lover, thank you for the journey. I will keep it close to my heart. You showed me heaven. I didn't know it could be so beautiful. Thank you for loving me.

Lover, I'm so close to the depths of hopelessness. I know you know. I always closed my eyes to the fact that we wouldn't be together. I convinced myself it wasn't true. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. I wish I could be strong for you, I'm so weak.

Lover, I wish you could see me when I dance and sing. Our minute in time has not afforded us such insight. I have such wonderful spirit. I have so much passion in my heart. I hope I can keep them.

Lover, I feel like I am not allowed to love... find love... be loved. It's not fair. I'm so desperate. I want to have a positive outlook, but my rainbow is fading. I don't know that it will return to me. I'm trying so hard to hold on.

Lover, it's so hard to say goodbye. I don't know that I can. Sometimes I wish you would just let me go. The pain would be so unbearable, but I know that we will both persevere. I know that we both have been through so much before knowing each other and we can overcome anything. It was what we were born to do.

Elton John - Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, shake it loose together
The spotlight's hitting something
That's been known to change the weather
We'll kill the fatted calf tonight
So stick around
You're gonna hear electric music
Solid walls of sound

Say, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet
But they're so spaced out, Bennie and the Jets
Oh but they're weird and they're wonderful
Oh Bennie she's really keen
She's got electric boots a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazine
Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they're blinded
But Bennie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
Where we fight our parents out in the streets
To find who's right and who's wrong