The Sea of Impossiblity and Uncertainty

For the past week I have felt like I am swimming in a sea of impossibilities... like I have no control over my life and where I am going. How can it be that some aspects of my life are so incredibly perfect and other aspects are so incredibly hopeless and uncertain? Some days I feel like the sea is consuming me, the waves crashing over my head as I struggle to stay afloat and catch my breath. But, I am a strong person and I refuse to be a victim. I won't be. This is just a phase in my life that is meant for me to learn and grow and prevail over.

I have no idea how to get through my divorce. The whole process is going painfully slow. I'm scared. I try so hard to make sure that everyone and everything is taken care of. I worry that the house will not sell and it will affect my finances or that I will be paying the mortgage for so long and it will prevent me from doing what I want to do. I worry that my son is at a vulnerable age and will not have positive influences living with his dad. I want so badly to move on and start thinking about my future and the future of my children. But I feel like I have little control over the progress. On the upside, I did make a decision to change my life. I knew I was not happy where I was and that I never would be. I identified it and was not going to continue on that path. That makes me strong and shows that I care about myself and won't settle for anything less than to be happy.

I feel overwhelmed at work. While I have a lot of support from my peers in making necessary changes to improve overall performance of my team's productivity, I feel like it is always a struggle and that there are certain people sabotaging my efforts. My department is expected to perform, but on occasion we have no cooperation from other departments. I don't believe this is intentional for the most part, at least not by everyone. I feel there is a breakdown in communication and it feels like a power struggle. Which is totally ridiculous because we should all have a common goal. I love my job, I love my work. I worked hard to get where I am. I am very successful and I will continue to be.

My social life is not what I would like it to be. I don't know what I am expecting. Sometimes I sit at home doing nothing. Sometimes I hang with my daughter and her friends, which is fun and I enjoy it, but I need friends my own age. Sometimes I do things with my co-workers that I consider my friends. But they are far away and also cause friction in my relationship. I am happy to have the opportunity to have people in my life who care about me. I want to be able to nurture these relationships and allow more in my life.

My love relationship is beautiful, loving and deep. I have never known anyone like him. I love him and need him. But the relationship will not survive. How can I be certain? He told me. He says he will never hurt me or leave me but I will never be his one and only... ever. I'm glad that he is honest with me, but I hate being reminded of it. It hurts. Maybe I am unrealistic and want too much. I never had any expectations beyond what is in front of me. I only asked to be loved. And he does love me. But I wish I knew what he wanted of me, what he expects of me. Is his ideal that he would continue with his marriage and have me as a lover on the side for the rest of his life? I don't believe he is happy. I wish I knew for sure. I wish I knew what he was going through, what he is feeling. I will love unconditionally. I will never stop loving him. I don't know how a person can love someone and always be content with a relationship that is not allowed to grow past current situations and I am not allowed to look past the present. If I do, I get sad, I start feeling and I hurt him in the process. It hurts me knowing that if I think about wanting to be with him it hurts him and makes him feel guilty and inadequate. In order to be truly happy a person has to have both present pleasure and future benefit. I feel hopeless and that I will lose in the end. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't love so much. That I should just enjoy this current relationship as if it were a fling. I wonder that looking at it that way might make him happy. In the present, this relationship is awesome. I love everything about him, about us, and I am enjoying this sweet affair. I will not let my hopelessness affect my relationship and will do everything I can to nurture it and make it grow regardless of the outcome.

I fear that by exploiting some of these feelings there will be a negative affect. I write these things in my blog because it is therapeutic for me. It gives me an outlet and allows me to be okay with what I am about and what I am feeling and going through. I want to trust that everything will work out. Sometimes it seems like I have so much working against me. It has always felt that way in my life. Like everything I go through is a challenge.

While I feel like I am sinking at times, I wouldn't do anything different and I would welcome all of it all over again. I am unique in my experiences and that's what makes me beautiful as a person. My challenges are my own. I manage through all that is put in front of me and I always overcome. At times I feel overwhelmed and hopeless, but don't feel sorry for me or underestimate me... watch out for me because I am amazing.