My younger sister is in town and we decided to go out for dinner for her birthday Friday night. I asked my daughter if she would like to go too and we headed downtown for the restaurant. When we arrived I noticed that my step-brother and his wife and my niece were there. I hadn't realized that anyone else was going to be there. My sister arrived shortly after, as well as my dad. I sat next to my daughter and my brother. We all started talking and my sister was filling us in on her new life in a new state where she had moved. My brother was giving my dad a hard time, joking about how he had run into him a few days earlier and my dad was talking about my sister and had gotten all teary-eyed because he missed her. We were all carrying on several different conversations at the table and my brother and my dad continued to talk and started talking about cars. When they were finished I leaned over to my brother and I told him that I admired him for being able to let go of all of the resentment he had for my dad. He and my dad never had a very good relationship when we were younger. I admired that because I still hold onto so much. He, my other brother and I were all very close in age, within 1 year of each other and had all gone through much of the same thing in our home life. My brother said to me that he had realized that maybe he wasn't such a great kid and that it must have been hard as a parent (my dad) to have to put up with it. I honestly couldn't believe he had said that. I never particularly thought that my brother was a bad kid. However, if he was at peace with what he had been through then that was his way of healing. I told him that I was still "working it out".
I mentioned in my last post that one of my most happiest moments in my life was when I had emancipated myself. I thought about that very subject and realized I was mistaken. There were two people involved in my emancipation, me and my dad.
My dad, who adopted me and my step-mom where alcoholics. My dad worked a full-time job to provide for us five kids. There were three of us older kids, me and my brother and my step-brother, and two younger kids, brother and sister that belonged to both my dad and my step-mom. The younger kids were just babies, my brother is 8 years younger than me and my sister is 10 years younger than me. My dad and step-mom would spend most of their free time at the bar while we were left at home expected to take care of the house and the babies. The house was always filthy and piled with junk everywhere. We had very little food in the house. Usually, we had a couple of cans of commodity meat that we had gotten from the pantry and a few other odds and ends like powdered milk, powdered eggs and commodity cheese. My dad worked on cars and had a garage. He liked to collect a lot of things in the yard including cars, car parts, and a lot of other junk. It was embarrassing. My mom and dad would keep us older kids busy telling us to pick up the yard, go cut wood, clean up the house, etc. We weren't allowed to go anywhere. We basically just moved piles of junk, pulled nails out of wood, hauled wood, worked on cars, took care of our little brother and sister, and that's about it. My mom and dad would buy things for the little ones while we went without. Once, I needed a winter coat because I didn't have one and I told my mom and she wouldn't buy me one. They thought it was more important to spend hours and all their money at the bar. I never told anyone this before, but once my dad came home from the bar and was hugging me and tried to kiss me. And not in the dad-daughter kind of way. Nothing happened, but it was traumatic nonetheless. My dad was also very physical. I had already been through being physically abused as much as one could be physically abused when I had lived with my mom and her boyfriend in Detroit. My dad wasn't nearly as bad, but he wouldn't think twice to haul off and knock you down on your ass and spank you. Most of the abuse in this environment was mental. We were just little kids.... we just wanted to be able to do kid things. It would have been a little more acceptable, but we were also seeing the special treatment that our younger siblings were receiving. We longed for that attention, that love.
When I was 17, I started babysitting the neighbor's daughters. I became very close to the family and would be invited over on occasion to watch movies or have dinner. They knew I did not have a good healthy, happy home-life. They encouraged me to become a legal adult and emancipate myself. They offered me to live with them.
A few of my friends from school came to my house one day when my mom and dad were gone. We quickly loaded up my friend's truck with all my belongings and I left my emancipation papers on the refrigerator for my dad to sign. I didn't talk to my mom or dad, and had very little contact with my siblings for almost 2 years after that day.
Until just the other night when I talked to my brother, I had never before thought about how my dad must have felt when he found the emancipation papers on the fridge. I know my dad loves me. I don't know why we had to go through what we went through, maybe it doesn't matter anymore. I am a strong person having done and seen what I have. One of the happiest days in my life was probably one of the saddest days for my dad.
When my daughter and I got up to leave from dinner I walked over to my sister who was sitting by my dad. I gave her a hug and told her happy birthday. My dad looked at me and I looked at him and rubbed his shoulder. He looked a little sad.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Happiness
"Time In: Think back to a period or two in your life when you enjoyed both present and future benefit." (from the book Happier)
Hands down, the birth of my two children were the happiest days of my life. I had created life and was given a great opportunity to nurture it. It would be an unconditional love that would last a lifetime. Being a mother is not something I take lightly. I would be able to provide the love and care I felt I had not been allowed to know. I love to watch them grow and become unique individuals and I absolutely adore them. ...I just called and talked to my kids and told them I love them.
Another time I felt truly happy and had felt both present and future benefit was when I was 17 when I had emancipated myself. I had been so sheltered and sad and felt so unloved by my family that it was a new freedom, a new chance for me.
I also feel both present and future benefit in my current situation. While it is an emotional time for me where I am both happy at times and sad at times, I will overcome and heal and find peace and happiness.
Things I am grateful for: my children, freedom, life, opportunity
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Nihilism
"Time In: Think back to a time -- a single experience or a longer period -- when you felt nihilistic, unable to see beyond your current unhappiness. Had you been looking at the situation from the outside, what advice would you have given yourself?" (from the book Happier)
I struggled throughout my pre-teen and teenage years with self-esteem and self-worth. I wondered why I was born, what was the point, nobody wanted me or cared about me. I had contemplated suicide a couple of times, feeling so hopeless. I felt that the people I had confided in had failed me over and over again... teachers, counselors, my church, my neighbors, my friends, my family, everybody. What got me through was that I had come to the conclusion that while they had failed me, I could not fail myself. It was, "I don't need them. I'll show them." And I have maintained that mentality ever since. I have known for sometime, however, that I need to let all of that resentment go.
Just recently, some of these feelings had returned. I was feeling so helpless and hopeless. The changes I have been going through has left me feeling lonely and weak at times. Sometimes I am overwhelmed. While the feelings are similar to what I had felt when I was younger, I was questioning whether I had failed myself this time. I know that sometimes I can be strong and sometimes I need help to be strong. I think deep down I always wanted both... strength in myself and to be loved. I wish I could understand why sometimes I feel I am in this alone, because I know I'm not. I want so bad to heal my heart.
Coincidentally, today's horoscope...
Daily Overview:
Let go of any grudges you've been holding -- move forward, and you'll be happy.
Daily Extended:
If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.
Things I am grateful for: rainbows, the words "I love you.", being loved, life
I struggled throughout my pre-teen and teenage years with self-esteem and self-worth. I wondered why I was born, what was the point, nobody wanted me or cared about me. I had contemplated suicide a couple of times, feeling so hopeless. I felt that the people I had confided in had failed me over and over again... teachers, counselors, my church, my neighbors, my friends, my family, everybody. What got me through was that I had come to the conclusion that while they had failed me, I could not fail myself. It was, "I don't need them. I'll show them." And I have maintained that mentality ever since. I have known for sometime, however, that I need to let all of that resentment go.
Just recently, some of these feelings had returned. I was feeling so helpless and hopeless. The changes I have been going through has left me feeling lonely and weak at times. Sometimes I am overwhelmed. While the feelings are similar to what I had felt when I was younger, I was questioning whether I had failed myself this time. I know that sometimes I can be strong and sometimes I need help to be strong. I think deep down I always wanted both... strength in myself and to be loved. I wish I could understand why sometimes I feel I am in this alone, because I know I'm not. I want so bad to heal my heart.
Coincidentally, today's horoscope...
Daily Overview:
Let go of any grudges you've been holding -- move forward, and you'll be happy.
Daily Extended:
If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.
Things I am grateful for: rainbows, the words "I love you.", being loved, life
Hedonism
"Time In: Think back to a time -- a single experience or a longer period -- when you lived as a hedonist. What were the costs and benefits of living this way?" (from the book Happier)
This one is a bit harder for me to answer because I don't completely understand why someone wouldn't want pleasure with very little pain. I suppose that if one were to sacrifice experiences because they don't give a quick pleasurable payoff then this wouldn't be an ideal way to live life. While I would rather have good, pleasurable experiences I understand the benefits of painful experiences and what can be learned from them. Probably earlier in my young adulthood I would say I lived a more hedonistic life style than I do now. After emancipating myself when I was 17, I found that my freedom allowed me to do whatever I wanted and to have fun. I was partying with my friends every chance I got and slept with many men against my better judgement. I was getting pleasure out of being accepted by the people I partied with. The cost of living this way was I was sick, broke, and wasting my life away. I was extremely malnourished because I had no money and was living a life style of getting up in the morning and finding the next party.
Things I am grateful for: freedom, friends, my cabin, my life
This one is a bit harder for me to answer because I don't completely understand why someone wouldn't want pleasure with very little pain. I suppose that if one were to sacrifice experiences because they don't give a quick pleasurable payoff then this wouldn't be an ideal way to live life. While I would rather have good, pleasurable experiences I understand the benefits of painful experiences and what can be learned from them. Probably earlier in my young adulthood I would say I lived a more hedonistic life style than I do now. After emancipating myself when I was 17, I found that my freedom allowed me to do whatever I wanted and to have fun. I was partying with my friends every chance I got and slept with many men against my better judgement. I was getting pleasure out of being accepted by the people I partied with. The cost of living this way was I was sick, broke, and wasting my life away. I was extremely malnourished because I had no money and was living a life style of getting up in the morning and finding the next party.
Things I am grateful for: freedom, friends, my cabin, my life
Friday, October 19, 2007
Rat Race
"Time In: Do you, at times, feel part of the rate race? Looking at your life from the outside, what advice would you give yourself?" (from the book Happier)
I guess once in awhile I do feel like I am part of the rat race. But mostly, I feel like I am the creator of my own direction and goals. While the fast-paced world of today can at times be overwhelming, I make a conscious effort to not allow it to drive me. The advice I would give to myself would be to not lose sight of who I am, I can always do whatever I put my mind to, and that while dreams are attainable it is perfectly fine to have failures.
Things I am grateful for: my kids, my lover, my free spirit, my career, my health
Bumper Sticker:
Just the other day I realized that I have never owned a bumper sticker in my life. I thought it would be fun to post bumper stickers in my posts that either reflect who I am, how I'm feeling that day, or just to have fun. Here's my first one...
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The Meaning of Happiness
"Time In: How would you define happiness? What does happiness mean to you?" (from the book Happier by Tal-Ben Shahar, Ph.D.)
When I first read these questions I thought, "Oh, that's pretty easy." After thinking about it for a few minutes I thought, "Hmmmm... maybe not." So I contemplated these two questions for a few days before coming up with my answers.
I think happiness is all-encompassing of all the good things in one's life, including inner peace and fulfillment. I believe happiness can be delivered in several emotions from a warm and fuzzy relaxed state to a feeling of excitement. I don't believe that any one person can be completely happy all the time because sad moments in life is inevitable. However, I do believe that a happier person can recover from these times quicker and at peace with these moments.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Can you learn to be happy?
I've been reading this book called Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. It's sort of a self-help book using the principles of positive psychology along with scientific studies and spiritual enlightenment. He gives you a basic set of principles you can apply to your daily life in order for one to feel more fulfilled and connected.
In the book, he includes what he calls "Time Ins" as opposed to "Time Outs" in which you stop and take time to reflect on what you read and to look inside yourself answering the questions or performing the exercises he provides. I'm going to use my blog as a way to log these Time Ins and add or reference them later.
I've arrived at my first Time In in the book which reads... "Reflect on a couple of personal experiences where reaching a certain milestone did not bring you the emotional payoff you expected." The lead-in to this exercise was a story about how he had desired to win the Israeli national squash championship and how he thought it would alleviate an emptiness he had felt. At first he was so happy and fulfilled that he had won the title but shortly thereafter was very down and his emptiness returned.
I could answer this in a few different ways. The first thing that comes to mind is that while I do have things that I look forward to that I think will make me happy, I don't think they will make me happy indefinitely. In other words, I know it is a temporary fulfillment and I don't have expectations that it will make me happy forever. Specifically as an example, when I was younger I would look forward to going to stay with my cousins at their house. I was so happy to be able to go and I would have a lot of fun. But when I had to go home I would feel so down. Now that I am older and more mature, the let downs I feel after a happy moment in my life doesn't seem to be as severe. However, I have thought about this particular subject on several occasions and I do know that instead of allowing my time leading up to my moment to be happy and exciting, I really need to savor in the moment more and allow myself to look back on these times and reminisce and savor it all over again. Another example and much more complex is what I happen to be going through at this time in my life. I have left a broken marriage and while I have the world in the palm of my hands, I feel so down and empty. Which is why I'm reading this book. :)
Friday, October 5, 2007
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
Will you count me in?
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place
It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go
The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore
It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go
What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just........ mmmmm
It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go
I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth
It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go....
Always know.... cause you make me smile
Even just for awhile
Thursday, October 4, 2007
New Look
After over a week of planning and lots of work, I finally finished customizing my blog layout. It was very tricky to allow for cross-browser compatibility... but I finally got it. I'm really happy with how it turned out.
I'm so glad for the work week to be over. While I was very productive, the week seemed to drag on so long. I'm not sure what I'm going to do this weekend, but I do feel a bit ambitious. I'm thinking I might call an old friend of mine to see what she is up to. There's something I've been dying to tell her for years, but I can't.
I think my daughter is testing me. She got mad at me on the phone the other day and since then it seems as if she is testing my parenting skills.
A lot of people have been really irritating the hell out of me this week. If I hear one more person complain or tell me how terrible they have it, I'm going to drop kick them... I swear.
:) That was funny.
I'm so glad for the work week to be over. While I was very productive, the week seemed to drag on so long. I'm not sure what I'm going to do this weekend, but I do feel a bit ambitious. I'm thinking I might call an old friend of mine to see what she is up to. There's something I've been dying to tell her for years, but I can't.
I think my daughter is testing me. She got mad at me on the phone the other day and since then it seems as if she is testing my parenting skills.
A lot of people have been really irritating the hell out of me this week. If I hear one more person complain or tell me how terrible they have it, I'm going to drop kick them... I swear.
:) That was funny.
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