My "Girl" Friend and Co-Worker, Please Get Well Soon

My co-worker Barb, whom I affectionately call "Girl Friend", was recently diagnosed with a cancerous tumor that has taken over one of her kidneys and has started to make its way up a vein toward her heart. :( She is scheduled for surgery on Monday. She is a really sweet, fun person and I hope she gets through the procedure and recovers quickly. My heart goes out to her and her family. Everyone is sending positive healing energy and will be hoping for her quick return back home.

Thank You Lover

Thank you for sharing insight into your life with me. I know it's a rare glimpse into your past secrets and tribulations that you didn't necessarily have to share.

I don't know for sure where you are with your rehabilitation since your self-destructive use of drugs and alcohol along with your promiscuous activities with women were obviously a cover-up for more deep rooted issues and insecurities. I know your vulnerabilities are still present at times and you deal with them the best you can.

I think we have a lot of similarities. You didn't know your real father. I didn't know my real father and I had not met my real mother until I was a teenager. We both felt a sense of abandonment. You escaped your home life by joining the Army when you were 17. I emancipated myself when I was 17. Both of us had been looking for acceptance and chose paths that were self-destructive. Your turmoils manifested themselves in slightly different ways than mine and yours was definitely a longer, harder road than mine. Regardless, I feel there's a connection between us.

You should know that allowing me to know these things about you definitely raises some concerns. However, you should also know that I will do my best to be understanding and be your friend, as well as your lover. I love you for who you are. And, I am getting a lot out of this sweet romantic affair. I am learning a lot about myself and you are in my life giving of yourself. That means so much to me.

I want to learn more about you. When you let me in, I feel closer to you. You teach me so much. I want so bad not to be like the other women who have hurt you. I want you to trust me and love me.

I just wanted to say thank you for not being afraid to show me who you are. I love you baby.

Happily Ever After? Fairytales Are For Children

It's been awhile since I've written in my blog and a lot has transpired in the past couple of weeks. After confronting my husband about the problems with our marriage, I had moved into our camper in the backyard. In an effort to save the marriage my husband has made a complete 180, including giving up drugs and partying and has significantly cut back on his drinking. He had one setback already and only time will tell if he has the strength to do it himself or if he will need help. I am proud of him for his efforts and I hope that even if we do not end up reconciling our differences that he continues the positive changes. I have decided that I will move back into the house this coming weekend. I still have concerns about our relationship because I don't believe in my heart that I will ever fall in love with him and we will always remain just friends. I have come to the conclusion that at this point in my life I really don't have anything to lose. And after listening to him, neither does he. I plan to continue my relationship with my lover. Ironically, I feel it is one of the only things keeping me in my marriage. In my ideal world, I would live happily with my friend and lover. Whether that person is my husband, my lover, or someone truly meant for me it's just not doable at this point in my life. My children weighed heavily on my decision as well.

This Is Me...

I am smart. I don't always make the right decisions, but I'm not rash and always think before doing.

I am dumb. Sometimes I can be gullible and take people for their word.

I am strong. I stand up for myself and others when they need help.

I am weak. Sometimes I don't let myself believe I deserve something or that I'm making something more than it needs to be. Sometimes I settle.

I am well spoken. I stick to the facts. I hate wasting time and prefer to get to the point, be concise and do so as eloquently as possible.

I am incomprehensible. Sometimes I have a hard time finding the right words and end up tongue-tied and misunderstood.

I am seen. People enjoy my company and I am respected by my peers.

I am overlooked. Sometimes people take me for granted and don't truly listen to what I'm saying.

I am honest. I tell the truth almost all of the time. I very rarely lie and if I do, there is more than likely some truth.

I am dishonest. On very rare occasions.

I am loved. I am well liked and cared for. I am easy going and fun loving. To the best of my knowledge, I have no enemies.

I am all alone. There isn't anyone that truly knows everything inside my head and heart except me. Sometimes my struggles are all my own.

I am not perfect. I try to be the best person I can be. I don't dwell on my mistakes. I know the only thing possible is to learn from them and grow as a person. I have a lot of growing to do. I don't like to think about it too much, but sometimes that scares me. I'm scared to make mistakes. Sometimes I want to be selfish and never settle. I'm afraid I will hurt people I love along the way. I don't want to be all alone, ever. I don't want to ever feel like I am. I could analyze myself for hours and still know that I can only be who I am and that I will be okay.

Phenomenal Woman (Poem by Maya Angelou)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to …

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a youth she’s content to leave behind…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
re-telling it in her old age…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
one friend who always makes her laugh
and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a good piece of furniture not previously owned
by anyone else in her family

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal.
that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a feeling of control over her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
when to try harder..
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect… but it’s over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would or wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming Inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can’t accomplish in a day…
a month… or a year…

The Confrontation, The Present Moment, and The Uncertain Future

I finally confronted my husband. I told him that I have been lonely and sad for several years. I told him he was selfish, partied too much, and I wasn't in love with him. The past few days have been extremely exhausting and emotional. He has so much to learn about life and I don't think I can wait around for him to get up-to-speed. I care about him a lot, but we have grown so much apart and I don't believe we are compatible souls. He is not an affectionate person and he said he doesn't think he can be. I crave that so much. And, I would have to be in love with him in order to accept his affection. He is willing to stop drinking and partying and doing drugs and said he would do that to save the marriage. That is a lot of pressure on me. I'm so happy for him that he wants to make a life change. But that pressure and the fact that I'm not in love with him honestly scares the hell out of me. He is just not getting it.

Last night when I got home from work, he and my daughter basically ganged up on me and were telling me that I should have told him that I didn't like the way things were and that I should have been firmer. They kept placing the blame all on me. It's, "Look what you're doing to us." and "Why didn't you say something?" and "Why did you wait so long?". First off, "Look at what I have been going through for several years." It was no surprise to anyone that I was unhappy. Second, what part of "You drink too much.", "You should quit smoking pot.", "You're being an asshole." didn't he understand? Not to mention I have cried myself to sleep and he knew it! And finally, I am NOT taking the blame for not trying hard enough or waiting too long. That is just fucking ridiculous.

I told him I wanted a separation. Apparently, nobody knew what that meant and assumed it meant I want a divorce and I'm leaving all of you. What I need is time away from my husband. I don't need the pressures of "I'm changing all for you, baby.", "I love you. Don't you love me?", "Why don't you stay in the house with your family?", "Why aren't you trying?". Oh my god, enough!

I need to go seek legal counsel this Friday. I need someone to listen and offer guidance. As it is, I feel I am all alone in this. Even though I know I have a lot of support from friends and coworkers, it still feels very lonely and scary.

Overkill by Colin Hay

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away