The Confrontation, The Present Moment, and The Uncertain Future

I finally confronted my husband. I told him that I have been lonely and sad for several years. I told him he was selfish, partied too much, and I wasn't in love with him. The past few days have been extremely exhausting and emotional. He has so much to learn about life and I don't think I can wait around for him to get up-to-speed. I care about him a lot, but we have grown so much apart and I don't believe we are compatible souls. He is not an affectionate person and he said he doesn't think he can be. I crave that so much. And, I would have to be in love with him in order to accept his affection. He is willing to stop drinking and partying and doing drugs and said he would do that to save the marriage. That is a lot of pressure on me. I'm so happy for him that he wants to make a life change. But that pressure and the fact that I'm not in love with him honestly scares the hell out of me. He is just not getting it.

Last night when I got home from work, he and my daughter basically ganged up on me and were telling me that I should have told him that I didn't like the way things were and that I should have been firmer. They kept placing the blame all on me. It's, "Look what you're doing to us." and "Why didn't you say something?" and "Why did you wait so long?". First off, "Look at what I have been going through for several years." It was no surprise to anyone that I was unhappy. Second, what part of "You drink too much.", "You should quit smoking pot.", "You're being an asshole." didn't he understand? Not to mention I have cried myself to sleep and he knew it! And finally, I am NOT taking the blame for not trying hard enough or waiting too long. That is just fucking ridiculous.

I told him I wanted a separation. Apparently, nobody knew what that meant and assumed it meant I want a divorce and I'm leaving all of you. What I need is time away from my husband. I don't need the pressures of "I'm changing all for you, baby.", "I love you. Don't you love me?", "Why don't you stay in the house with your family?", "Why aren't you trying?". Oh my god, enough!

I need to go seek legal counsel this Friday. I need someone to listen and offer guidance. As it is, I feel I am all alone in this. Even though I know I have a lot of support from friends and coworkers, it still feels very lonely and scary.