Overwhelmed, Lonely and Displaced

I'm feeling homesick today. Not in the traditional sense of the word, but more like a displaced person. I have moved in with a friend and coworker recently which is closer to my work but further from my family and lover. She has been very supportive and hospitable to me, and it means a lot to me that she offered to take me in. On the other hand, I am feeling very overwhelmed at the upcoming decisions I will need to make. I have no plan. I know I will probably have to get a place of my own. But where and how will I finance it? At times I feel liberated from my husband and marriage but I feel all alone missing my kids and lover. I feel like I'm in limbo and I'm a little scared of the uncertainty of where I will be and who will be by my side when I get there.

Update On My Friend Barb

Heart in excellent condition
No Blood Clots
7 hour surgery on Monday
Under anesthesia over night
On life support next day still at 3:00
Surgery went very well
They got all the cancer
Liver was not affected
Barb did very well in surgery – very strong
They are freezing the kidney for research
Freezing the cancer so they know what type
Barb is doing great
Off the ventilator
Recognized family right away
They thought her mind might take awhile to come back
Mind is sharp as a tack
Still Joking with family
Barb has great attitude

YAY!!!!!

A New Day

Despite the lack of sleep I received last night, I am feeling refreshed with a new energy about me today. I have no idea what to attribute it to and I don't really care. I'm just feeling really good right now.

That's all I have for now... I'll leave you with some cool tunes:

Paulo Nutini - Last Request

Daft Punk Girl

My "Girl" Friend and Co-Worker, Please Get Well Soon

My co-worker Barb, whom I affectionately call "Girl Friend", was recently diagnosed with a cancerous tumor that has taken over one of her kidneys and has started to make its way up a vein toward her heart. :( She is scheduled for surgery on Monday. She is a really sweet, fun person and I hope she gets through the procedure and recovers quickly. My heart goes out to her and her family. Everyone is sending positive healing energy and will be hoping for her quick return back home.

Thank You Lover

Thank you for sharing insight into your life with me. I know it's a rare glimpse into your past secrets and tribulations that you didn't necessarily have to share.

I don't know for sure where you are with your rehabilitation since your self-destructive use of drugs and alcohol along with your promiscuous activities with women were obviously a cover-up for more deep rooted issues and insecurities. I know your vulnerabilities are still present at times and you deal with them the best you can.

I think we have a lot of similarities. You didn't know your real father. I didn't know my real father and I had not met my real mother until I was a teenager. We both felt a sense of abandonment. You escaped your home life by joining the Army when you were 17. I emancipated myself when I was 17. Both of us had been looking for acceptance and chose paths that were self-destructive. Your turmoils manifested themselves in slightly different ways than mine and yours was definitely a longer, harder road than mine. Regardless, I feel there's a connection between us.

You should know that allowing me to know these things about you definitely raises some concerns. However, you should also know that I will do my best to be understanding and be your friend, as well as your lover. I love you for who you are. And, I am getting a lot out of this sweet romantic affair. I am learning a lot about myself and you are in my life giving of yourself. That means so much to me.

I want to learn more about you. When you let me in, I feel closer to you. You teach me so much. I want so bad not to be like the other women who have hurt you. I want you to trust me and love me.

I just wanted to say thank you for not being afraid to show me who you are. I love you baby.

Happily Ever After? Fairytales Are For Children

It's been awhile since I've written in my blog and a lot has transpired in the past couple of weeks. After confronting my husband about the problems with our marriage, I had moved into our camper in the backyard. In an effort to save the marriage my husband has made a complete 180, including giving up drugs and partying and has significantly cut back on his drinking. He had one setback already and only time will tell if he has the strength to do it himself or if he will need help. I am proud of him for his efforts and I hope that even if we do not end up reconciling our differences that he continues the positive changes. I have decided that I will move back into the house this coming weekend. I still have concerns about our relationship because I don't believe in my heart that I will ever fall in love with him and we will always remain just friends. I have come to the conclusion that at this point in my life I really don't have anything to lose. And after listening to him, neither does he. I plan to continue my relationship with my lover. Ironically, I feel it is one of the only things keeping me in my marriage. In my ideal world, I would live happily with my friend and lover. Whether that person is my husband, my lover, or someone truly meant for me it's just not doable at this point in my life. My children weighed heavily on my decision as well.

This Is Me...

I am smart. I don't always make the right decisions, but I'm not rash and always think before doing.

I am dumb. Sometimes I can be gullible and take people for their word.

I am strong. I stand up for myself and others when they need help.

I am weak. Sometimes I don't let myself believe I deserve something or that I'm making something more than it needs to be. Sometimes I settle.

I am well spoken. I stick to the facts. I hate wasting time and prefer to get to the point, be concise and do so as eloquently as possible.

I am incomprehensible. Sometimes I have a hard time finding the right words and end up tongue-tied and misunderstood.

I am seen. People enjoy my company and I am respected by my peers.

I am overlooked. Sometimes people take me for granted and don't truly listen to what I'm saying.

I am honest. I tell the truth almost all of the time. I very rarely lie and if I do, there is more than likely some truth.

I am dishonest. On very rare occasions.

I am loved. I am well liked and cared for. I am easy going and fun loving. To the best of my knowledge, I have no enemies.

I am all alone. There isn't anyone that truly knows everything inside my head and heart except me. Sometimes my struggles are all my own.

I am not perfect. I try to be the best person I can be. I don't dwell on my mistakes. I know the only thing possible is to learn from them and grow as a person. I have a lot of growing to do. I don't like to think about it too much, but sometimes that scares me. I'm scared to make mistakes. Sometimes I want to be selfish and never settle. I'm afraid I will hurt people I love along the way. I don't want to be all alone, ever. I don't want to ever feel like I am. I could analyze myself for hours and still know that I can only be who I am and that I will be okay.