Today's Thoughts: A Little Bit of Everything

I've lost 46 pounds since I started my workout regimen and I'm down two sizes. I'm in between the next size down. I work out anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill every morning before work, four days a week. It has given me somewhat of a new confidence, although I've always considered myself a confident person. I've also been adapting healthier eating habits, choosing lower fat and sugar selections when possible. I don't deprive myself of something I want, I just make better choices for my major meals and eat less portions. It's working out very well for me.

I'm trying to motivate myself at work. I love my job, but I got a little burned out after the last trade show we attended. We are having a department head/development strategies meeting this week and I'm hoping for a good outcome.

My husband is an asshole. Unless it has something to do with rock and roll, beer or drugs, he doesn't care. I'm so sick of his shit.

My kids are great! I have no complaints. I have a tendency to worry a bit about how they were raised because I opted not to use any of the parenting skills my parents used. More and more everyday, I realize that I am raising smart, caring, open-minded, confident young individuals who will do very well in the world.

In almost every post I talk about my lover. Our relationship is growing strong. He's very dear to me and I enjoy every moment we talk and are together. He has been a huge impact in my life and I love him. I could go on and on.

It's nice to have good friends, family and loved ones and be surrounded by such positive energy. It has been a long time since I felt so good from outside sources. Now I just need to deal with the only negative energy in my life. For now, he's not really an interruption, more of an annoyance. I'm sure it will come to a head.

I want to end on a positive note, so... overall I'm feeling really good about where I'm at in life. I've always made my own direction and have not veered off path very often. I know I can overcome anything that's put in front of me. And I like to be a positive force in the lives of the people who I care about.

I Want To Be Happy and Loved and Why Not?

I have talked to a couple of my close friends about what I am going through right now. They have been very understanding and supportive of me and I appreciate that so much. I really don't know if I will chicken out. I hope I don't. But I wrote my husband a letter informing him that I am not happy, I'm not in love with him and I want to move on. I am so scared.

Here's my letter, his name removed...

I won’t be coming home tonight. I have a lot to think about, there’s a lot on my mind. I am really sad and I know you will be too. I think we are growing apart and are living our lives totally different than one another. I am not happy and haven’t been for awhile now. I am quite sure that you know this. A lot of this is my own fault. However, I’m so tired of the drinking every night, partying and drugs. You hang out with your friends more than you do me. You pay very little attention to me at all. When you’re not hanging out with your friends and drinking and partying you walk around the house like you are miserable and that makes me sad and angry. Most of the time it doesn’t even seem like you live here. I don’t know what else to say. I do love you, but I don’t feel like I’m in love with you or that you are in love with me. I know that this usually happens in marriages, but I can’t help but be selfish and want more. I just don’t know what to do about it. I honestly don’t think you will change being who you are and don’t expect you to. I have no idea how you feel about our relationship, I have always wondered. At times you don’t seem like you are happy and at other times you are fine. But I have had a broken heart for a long time and I don’t want to sit around hoping and waiting for things to change. I don’t know how this will end up, but I want you to be honest with me and tell me why you do the things you do, why do act like you are so miserable and unhappy and do you really think you and I are actually happy and will be together forever? Because quite honestly, I’m really not sure. And I have wondered that for a long time. I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to be hurt either and I’m tired of feeling hurt and sad and lonely.

I want to leave this letter for him and maybe stay with a friend. I have been in this marriage for so long and I am so scared of what's going to happen. But I have to dig deep and be strong and know that I don't have to continue being unhappy.

Message to My Lover:

I want you to know that while I'm going through a lot, I don't want this decision of mine to affect you or the relationship we have. I am doing this for me. I wasn't happy in my marriage even before I met you and I know that you know that. And even though my situation may change, I don't expect anything different from you. I only want you to continue being a part of my life and be understanding and honest with me, and continue being my friend and lover. I want you to know that you have been so inspirational to me. It means so much to me to know that someone can be there for me and enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.

Story of My Life: The Beginning

I was born in Petoskey Hospital on January 23, 1971. A gorgeous baby girl, I'm sure. ; ) When I was a baby, my mom who was a single mother was not able to take care of me. My aunt and her husband took me in. My mom's younger sister also just had a baby, a boy, who went to live with my aunt as well. I'm not sure of the circumstances surrounding that situation. My mother however was unable to take care of me because she was in rehabilitation for drugs and alcohol and was a young mother. Apparently, when I was born I had an undeveloped lung.

Me and my new brother were raised by my aunt until I was three years old. Her and her husband were very good to us. Their kids were all older, moved out of the house and had their own families. Then one morning, while me and my brother were watching cartoons, my uncle came in the room and told us to go play outside. My aunt had passed away in her sleep. Apparently, she still had a book in her hands of a story she was reading to me the night before.