This week has been pretty eventful. Mostly very peculiar. In a way I can't wait for the week to be over. But then again I'm looking at another weekend of total boredom and loneliness.
The realization that I am unhappy in my marriage hit me so hard this week. Earlier in the week I wrote my husband a letter telling him how I felt. I realized after I wrote it I never said what I wanted to do about it. Just that I am unhappy and I think he is too, among other things. The uncertainty of what will happen scares the shit out of me. I have never been through anything like this before in my life. I have confided in a few of my friends and co-workers about this and to my surprise, they weren't surprised. Maybe I'm being too naive about the situation, but I really think that we may be able to have a co-habitive separation. Basically, that's what it seems like right now, with the exception of the fact that we are still sharing a bedroom.
My lover has been there for me more than he knows. I'm not talking about the sexual relations we have. He makes me think, and think a lot. I want so much more out of life. I want to leave my husband. Not because I have a lover. I was unhappy in my marriage before I met my lover. And that is why I pursued it. I know I got my priorities out of order. But I'm just scared of doing it and scared of the uncertainty of the future.
My lover and I are growing and learning more and more about each other. There's so many things in both of our pasts. We both have a lot of deep rooted issues that we are each dealing with. His distrust for women makes me sad. I have never had to try so hard in my life to earn someone's trust. It's so hard because one of the reasons he detaches himself is exactly the thing I'm doing to my husband. Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? I don't want to be like that at all. He has no idea how much I want him to feel comfortable around me and love me. And I go out of my way to make sure I am untouched and pure for him. I just have to be patient and understanding. I am still trying to figure out what my issues are. I do know that a lot of my reckless behavior has stemmed from my past and the fact that I didn't have a real family that cared about me. I have always had to be self-sufficient and make things happen on my own. I gave up a lot of my own needs when I started a family. Now that my kids are growing up and my husband is oblivious, I want to start living again. I know it's waiting for me out there. I need to dig deep, make a plan, and follow my heart. And I know, unlike when I was younger, I have a huge support team behind me.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I Want To Be Happy and Loved and Why Not?
I have talked to a couple of my close friends about what I am going through right now. They have been very understanding and supportive of me and I appreciate that so much. I really don't know if I will chicken out. I hope I don't. But I wrote my husband a letter informing him that I am not happy, I'm not in love with him and I want to move on. I am so scared.
Here's my letter, his name removed...
I won’t be coming home tonight. I have a lot to think about, there’s a lot on my mind. I am really sad and I know you will be too. I think we are growing apart and are living our lives totally different than one another. I am not happy and haven’t been for awhile now. I am quite sure that you know this. A lot of this is my own fault. However, I’m so tired of the drinking every night, partying and drugs. You hang out with your friends more than you do me. You pay very little attention to me at all. When you’re not hanging out with your friends and drinking and partying you walk around the house like you are miserable and that makes me sad and angry. Most of the time it doesn’t even seem like you live here. I don’t know what else to say. I do love you, but I don’t feel like I’m in love with you or that you are in love with me. I know that this usually happens in marriages, but I can’t help but be selfish and want more. I just don’t know what to do about it. I honestly don’t think you will change being who you are and don’t expect you to. I have no idea how you feel about our relationship, I have always wondered. At times you don’t seem like you are happy and at other times you are fine. But I have had a broken heart for a long time and I don’t want to sit around hoping and waiting for things to change. I don’t know how this will end up, but I want you to be honest with me and tell me why you do the things you do, why do act like you are so miserable and unhappy and do you really think you and I are actually happy and will be together forever? Because quite honestly, I’m really not sure. And I have wondered that for a long time. I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to be hurt either and I’m tired of feeling hurt and sad and lonely.
I want to leave this letter for him and maybe stay with a friend. I have been in this marriage for so long and I am so scared of what's going to happen. But I have to dig deep and be strong and know that I don't have to continue being unhappy.
Message to My Lover:
I want you to know that while I'm going through a lot, I don't want this decision of mine to affect you or the relationship we have. I am doing this for me. I wasn't happy in my marriage even before I met you and I know that you know that. And even though my situation may change, I don't expect anything different from you. I only want you to continue being a part of my life and be understanding and honest with me, and continue being my friend and lover. I want you to know that you have been so inspirational to me. It means so much to me to know that someone can be there for me and enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.
Here's my letter, his name removed...
I won’t be coming home tonight. I have a lot to think about, there’s a lot on my mind. I am really sad and I know you will be too. I think we are growing apart and are living our lives totally different than one another. I am not happy and haven’t been for awhile now. I am quite sure that you know this. A lot of this is my own fault. However, I’m so tired of the drinking every night, partying and drugs. You hang out with your friends more than you do me. You pay very little attention to me at all. When you’re not hanging out with your friends and drinking and partying you walk around the house like you are miserable and that makes me sad and angry. Most of the time it doesn’t even seem like you live here. I don’t know what else to say. I do love you, but I don’t feel like I’m in love with you or that you are in love with me. I know that this usually happens in marriages, but I can’t help but be selfish and want more. I just don’t know what to do about it. I honestly don’t think you will change being who you are and don’t expect you to. I have no idea how you feel about our relationship, I have always wondered. At times you don’t seem like you are happy and at other times you are fine. But I have had a broken heart for a long time and I don’t want to sit around hoping and waiting for things to change. I don’t know how this will end up, but I want you to be honest with me and tell me why you do the things you do, why do act like you are so miserable and unhappy and do you really think you and I are actually happy and will be together forever? Because quite honestly, I’m really not sure. And I have wondered that for a long time. I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to be hurt either and I’m tired of feeling hurt and sad and lonely.
I want to leave this letter for him and maybe stay with a friend. I have been in this marriage for so long and I am so scared of what's going to happen. But I have to dig deep and be strong and know that I don't have to continue being unhappy.
Message to My Lover:
I want you to know that while I'm going through a lot, I don't want this decision of mine to affect you or the relationship we have. I am doing this for me. I wasn't happy in my marriage even before I met you and I know that you know that. And even though my situation may change, I don't expect anything different from you. I only want you to continue being a part of my life and be understanding and honest with me, and continue being my friend and lover. I want you to know that you have been so inspirational to me. It means so much to me to know that someone can be there for me and enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
My Husband, The Miserable Drama Queen
My husband and I pay our bills a little differently than most married people. We don't pool our money together and have one person take care of the finances. Instead, we each have our own obligations. My salary is almost twice that of his income, so I'm responsible for the mortgage, groceries, phone, cable, doctor bills, orthodontics, and the kids among other things. He pays for the vehicles and utilities. This seems to work out well for the most part because we don't fight about money.
So, my husband was sitting at the kitchen table and he says to me, "Oh, I couldn't sleep last night. I have no money and I have to pay bills." Then, he proceeds to say, "I have no beer, I have no pot, I have nothing." He says that a lot and it irritates me and makes me sad at the same time. So, I repeat it back questioningly, "I have no beer, I have no pot, I have nothing?" He replied, "Oh, you too?" I was not amused and just glared at him.
See my husband is a miserable soul. He walks around the house mumbling about how crappy his life is, etc. Minor things! Like the other day he complained, mumbling four times about how the bread I bought had nuts in it. I think they were sunflower seeds, it was like a 7 grain bread or something. My kids and I just look at each other puzzled and ignore him most of the time.
One thing I do have to say is that he actually does pay his bills on time and is responsible about them. I on the other hand wait until the last minute, but I don't dwell on them or sweat them. I always know that things will work out and I always take care of them. I wonder what he will complain about today?
Supplemental Post Update (10/15/07)
I was compelled to add this post update because I find it both sad and disturbing that 76% of my readers that use search engines to find their way to my blog end up at this entry from search terms such as "drama queen husband", "husband is miserable", "miserable husband", "my husband the drama queen", and "my husband is miserable to be around". Unfortunately, I do not have any advice for you, nor should I. After all, each situation as well as the reason you have landed here is going to be different. I personally chose the path of letting go and seeking independence. That may not be the right path for you. However, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you, the reader, to please leave a comment and tell us what is on your mind. It can be a heartfelt plea, a silly thing your husband said or did, whatever. You can leave your comment anonymously and I'm hoping you will find it therapeutic and maybe even brighten your day knowing that you are not alone.
So, my husband was sitting at the kitchen table and he says to me, "Oh, I couldn't sleep last night. I have no money and I have to pay bills." Then, he proceeds to say, "I have no beer, I have no pot, I have nothing." He says that a lot and it irritates me and makes me sad at the same time. So, I repeat it back questioningly, "I have no beer, I have no pot, I have nothing?" He replied, "Oh, you too?" I was not amused and just glared at him.
See my husband is a miserable soul. He walks around the house mumbling about how crappy his life is, etc. Minor things! Like the other day he complained, mumbling four times about how the bread I bought had nuts in it. I think they were sunflower seeds, it was like a 7 grain bread or something. My kids and I just look at each other puzzled and ignore him most of the time.
One thing I do have to say is that he actually does pay his bills on time and is responsible about them. I on the other hand wait until the last minute, but I don't dwell on them or sweat them. I always know that things will work out and I always take care of them. I wonder what he will complain about today?
Supplemental Post Update (10/15/07)
I was compelled to add this post update because I find it both sad and disturbing that 76% of my readers that use search engines to find their way to my blog end up at this entry from search terms such as "drama queen husband", "husband is miserable", "miserable husband", "my husband the drama queen", and "my husband is miserable to be around". Unfortunately, I do not have any advice for you, nor should I. After all, each situation as well as the reason you have landed here is going to be different. I personally chose the path of letting go and seeking independence. That may not be the right path for you. However, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you, the reader, to please leave a comment and tell us what is on your mind. It can be a heartfelt plea, a silly thing your husband said or did, whatever. You can leave your comment anonymously and I'm hoping you will find it therapeutic and maybe even brighten your day knowing that you are not alone.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I've Been Addicted To You
Okay, my very first post. This is going to be tough, as I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I'm 36, have 2 teenagers, 14 and 17 and I'm married. I've been married for 15, going on 16. I hope to god this is not my mid-life crisis I'm going through.
About 3 months ago I finally stopped getting my depo-provera injections which I had been taking since my 14 year old son was born. My gynecologist informed me I was only supposed to be on it for 5 or 10 years. Not sure which, cause the story changed when I went back. Nevertheless, I was past the recommended usage. This was actually welcoming news as I had packed on a lot of weight from the medication as well as other factors. I decided that I would make a life change, get off my depo and start a workout regimen.
That's when things started to change. I knew that my body would start going through changes. I had no idea that I would have such dramatic mood changes as well. While I hide this very well, putting on a front for everyone, I'm finding that I'm more alive... more dead...more I don't know. To explain, I'm a very easy going person... people love me. I would do anything for anyone. I devoted the last 17 years to my family, my kids, my work... not myself. I always found happiness in my devotion to everyone else. Like I said earlier, my kids are now teenagers. They are becoming more independent. That's great, they are great kids! Now I can spend more time with my husband. There are a couple of problems with that. One, my husband is selfish, he drinks too much, smokes pot, won't grow up, and he doesn't pay attention to me. The other problem, I don't think I care. [crying]
Then I decided I was going to do something about it. Not wait around to be happy. I needed someone to pay attention to me, listen to me, be my friend. I started to sign up for every dating site I could find under an anonymous account. Yes, I'm still married. I began to get a lot of attention, just what I wanted. Everyone wanted to know who is this sexy chic? I got several emails every day from all of the sites, from men, women and couples. I met a guy who seemed kind of nice, but he lived downstate from me, over a hundred miles away. We exchanged several emails back and forth for a couple of weeks and even started a fantasy sequence story by email picking up on the story where the other left off. It was a lot of fun. Truth was, I really wasn't that interested in him. I did like being open about my fantasies and being able to share them with someone. The correspondence stopped after about 2 weeks, when he had a family emergency come up. Not sure if this was the truth or it was that I wasn't going to meet with him. Didn't matter, I wasn't interested.
Then I acted on a hunch that one of my husband's friend was in love with me. My husband and I had several conversations about this, joking around. I decided one day I would find out for sure. I was on my way to work and the roads were very slick and icy. I took a detour and stopped at his house at about 6:30 in the morning. We had coffee, talked, and then it happened. We went into his bedroom and we had oral sex together. We did not have intercourse as he has difficulties with erections. We had a good time anyway.
About a week later, I was at home at night, kids were gone, husband was drinking and having fun with his friends in the backyard. I was all alone and I called him. He told me that we shouldn't be doing this and that he had morals and that my husband was his good friend and he didn't want him to kick his ass. I told him that was fine and I respected his feelings and we could continue just being friends.
That broke my heart at first because I was being rejected. Then one morning he im'd me and said he wanted me to come over for coffee. So I did. We sat in his living room and he told me that he didn't like me in a girlfriend kind of way but he liked the sex we had. While that hurt me a little, I took the sex anyways. It turned out the same as before, lots of foreplay and oral, no intercourse.
At this point, I'm getting mixed messages. Or, maybe it's just me. Let's look at the facts: he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, he only likes the sex. What is it that I want? Do I want just a little fun on the side? The sex isn't that great. Do I want to leave my husband? Maybe. Would I stay with my husband if he paid more attention to me and quit drinking and doing drugs so much? Hmmm, I don't know. Moment of truth, I have never been "in love" with my husband, ever. I love him, he's my friend. That's it.
A couple of weeks later, while browsing one of the dating sites, I found a profile that perked my interest. He was married too and I loved the answers he gave to the questions in his profile. Some of them were exactly as I would have answered them. I quickly sent him a message that I was interested. He answered back, not surprisingly (not surprisingly because there are more men than women on the sites and I'm sure if a woman seems interested the man is going to want to find out more).
We wrote each other a few times, he seemed very nice as I expected. Then we added each other to our im accounts. We chatted for a while and exchanged photos. While chatting with him, he turned on his camera. I instantly adored his smile. He showed me his office, then gave me his phone number to call him. We talked and set up an appointment (he penciled me in) to come up to his office to meet him. This was very scary to me because I didn't know him at all. When it came time to go see him, I had second thoughts about going, but he seemed very eager to meet me. I figured I could go and meet with him and if I didn't feel comfortable or didn't like him I could leave. I didn't leave. We made the most of our brief meeting together. I had sex with him and we talked for a bit. He is a very caring person, from what I could tell, and his profession is a very noble one. I wanted to know him more.
He talks to me just about every day. He's so sweet and thoughtful and generous.
We made arrangements to meet again. This time, we had more time to spend together. He made reservations for us at a motel and we set the time to meet there. I was so eager to hold him and kiss him. We were at the motel all by ourselves as none of the other rooms were booked. Our time together was very passionate and sensual and provocative. I enjoyed it immensely. We had wild sex, we kissed a lot (A LOT)... we breathed each others breath. He took my breath away. I feel I am falling in love with him. Lover, I need you. I can't stop now... I've been addicted to you. I don't know where this is going. And maybe I'm wrong... maybe it's lust. But I appreciate the way you appreciate me, the way you hold me, the way you kiss me, the way you taste and breathe me into you. I fear the end as I could not bear it. But until that time, I'm going to realize the moment I have and take it and never take it for granted.
About 3 months ago I finally stopped getting my depo-provera injections which I had been taking since my 14 year old son was born. My gynecologist informed me I was only supposed to be on it for 5 or 10 years. Not sure which, cause the story changed when I went back. Nevertheless, I was past the recommended usage. This was actually welcoming news as I had packed on a lot of weight from the medication as well as other factors. I decided that I would make a life change, get off my depo and start a workout regimen.
That's when things started to change. I knew that my body would start going through changes. I had no idea that I would have such dramatic mood changes as well. While I hide this very well, putting on a front for everyone, I'm finding that I'm more alive... more dead...more I don't know. To explain, I'm a very easy going person... people love me. I would do anything for anyone. I devoted the last 17 years to my family, my kids, my work... not myself. I always found happiness in my devotion to everyone else. Like I said earlier, my kids are now teenagers. They are becoming more independent. That's great, they are great kids! Now I can spend more time with my husband. There are a couple of problems with that. One, my husband is selfish, he drinks too much, smokes pot, won't grow up, and he doesn't pay attention to me. The other problem, I don't think I care. [crying]
Then I decided I was going to do something about it. Not wait around to be happy. I needed someone to pay attention to me, listen to me, be my friend. I started to sign up for every dating site I could find under an anonymous account. Yes, I'm still married. I began to get a lot of attention, just what I wanted. Everyone wanted to know who is this sexy chic? I got several emails every day from all of the sites, from men, women and couples. I met a guy who seemed kind of nice, but he lived downstate from me, over a hundred miles away. We exchanged several emails back and forth for a couple of weeks and even started a fantasy sequence story by email picking up on the story where the other left off. It was a lot of fun. Truth was, I really wasn't that interested in him. I did like being open about my fantasies and being able to share them with someone. The correspondence stopped after about 2 weeks, when he had a family emergency come up. Not sure if this was the truth or it was that I wasn't going to meet with him. Didn't matter, I wasn't interested.
Then I acted on a hunch that one of my husband's friend was in love with me. My husband and I had several conversations about this, joking around. I decided one day I would find out for sure. I was on my way to work and the roads were very slick and icy. I took a detour and stopped at his house at about 6:30 in the morning. We had coffee, talked, and then it happened. We went into his bedroom and we had oral sex together. We did not have intercourse as he has difficulties with erections. We had a good time anyway.
About a week later, I was at home at night, kids were gone, husband was drinking and having fun with his friends in the backyard. I was all alone and I called him. He told me that we shouldn't be doing this and that he had morals and that my husband was his good friend and he didn't want him to kick his ass. I told him that was fine and I respected his feelings and we could continue just being friends.
That broke my heart at first because I was being rejected. Then one morning he im'd me and said he wanted me to come over for coffee. So I did. We sat in his living room and he told me that he didn't like me in a girlfriend kind of way but he liked the sex we had. While that hurt me a little, I took the sex anyways. It turned out the same as before, lots of foreplay and oral, no intercourse.
At this point, I'm getting mixed messages. Or, maybe it's just me. Let's look at the facts: he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, he only likes the sex. What is it that I want? Do I want just a little fun on the side? The sex isn't that great. Do I want to leave my husband? Maybe. Would I stay with my husband if he paid more attention to me and quit drinking and doing drugs so much? Hmmm, I don't know. Moment of truth, I have never been "in love" with my husband, ever. I love him, he's my friend. That's it.
A couple of weeks later, while browsing one of the dating sites, I found a profile that perked my interest. He was married too and I loved the answers he gave to the questions in his profile. Some of them were exactly as I would have answered them. I quickly sent him a message that I was interested. He answered back, not surprisingly (not surprisingly because there are more men than women on the sites and I'm sure if a woman seems interested the man is going to want to find out more).
We wrote each other a few times, he seemed very nice as I expected. Then we added each other to our im accounts. We chatted for a while and exchanged photos. While chatting with him, he turned on his camera. I instantly adored his smile. He showed me his office, then gave me his phone number to call him. We talked and set up an appointment (he penciled me in) to come up to his office to meet him. This was very scary to me because I didn't know him at all. When it came time to go see him, I had second thoughts about going, but he seemed very eager to meet me. I figured I could go and meet with him and if I didn't feel comfortable or didn't like him I could leave. I didn't leave. We made the most of our brief meeting together. I had sex with him and we talked for a bit. He is a very caring person, from what I could tell, and his profession is a very noble one. I wanted to know him more.
He talks to me just about every day. He's so sweet and thoughtful and generous.
We made arrangements to meet again. This time, we had more time to spend together. He made reservations for us at a motel and we set the time to meet there. I was so eager to hold him and kiss him. We were at the motel all by ourselves as none of the other rooms were booked. Our time together was very passionate and sensual and provocative. I enjoyed it immensely. We had wild sex, we kissed a lot (A LOT)... we breathed each others breath. He took my breath away. I feel I am falling in love with him. Lover, I need you. I can't stop now... I've been addicted to you. I don't know where this is going. And maybe I'm wrong... maybe it's lust. But I appreciate the way you appreciate me, the way you hold me, the way you kiss me, the way you taste and breathe me into you. I fear the end as I could not bear it. But until that time, I'm going to realize the moment I have and take it and never take it for granted.
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