I Want To Be Happy and Loved and Why Not?

I have talked to a couple of my close friends about what I am going through right now. They have been very understanding and supportive of me and I appreciate that so much. I really don't know if I will chicken out. I hope I don't. But I wrote my husband a letter informing him that I am not happy, I'm not in love with him and I want to move on. I am so scared.

Here's my letter, his name removed...

I won’t be coming home tonight. I have a lot to think about, there’s a lot on my mind. I am really sad and I know you will be too. I think we are growing apart and are living our lives totally different than one another. I am not happy and haven’t been for awhile now. I am quite sure that you know this. A lot of this is my own fault. However, I’m so tired of the drinking every night, partying and drugs. You hang out with your friends more than you do me. You pay very little attention to me at all. When you’re not hanging out with your friends and drinking and partying you walk around the house like you are miserable and that makes me sad and angry. Most of the time it doesn’t even seem like you live here. I don’t know what else to say. I do love you, but I don’t feel like I’m in love with you or that you are in love with me. I know that this usually happens in marriages, but I can’t help but be selfish and want more. I just don’t know what to do about it. I honestly don’t think you will change being who you are and don’t expect you to. I have no idea how you feel about our relationship, I have always wondered. At times you don’t seem like you are happy and at other times you are fine. But I have had a broken heart for a long time and I don’t want to sit around hoping and waiting for things to change. I don’t know how this will end up, but I want you to be honest with me and tell me why you do the things you do, why do act like you are so miserable and unhappy and do you really think you and I are actually happy and will be together forever? Because quite honestly, I’m really not sure. And I have wondered that for a long time. I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to be hurt either and I’m tired of feeling hurt and sad and lonely.

I want to leave this letter for him and maybe stay with a friend. I have been in this marriage for so long and I am so scared of what's going to happen. But I have to dig deep and be strong and know that I don't have to continue being unhappy.

Message to My Lover:

I want you to know that while I'm going through a lot, I don't want this decision of mine to affect you or the relationship we have. I am doing this for me. I wasn't happy in my marriage even before I met you and I know that you know that. And even though my situation may change, I don't expect anything different from you. I only want you to continue being a part of my life and be understanding and honest with me, and continue being my friend and lover. I want you to know that you have been so inspirational to me. It means so much to me to know that someone can be there for me and enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.