Today's Thoughts: A Little Bit of Everything

I've lost 46 pounds since I started my workout regimen and I'm down two sizes. I'm in between the next size down. I work out anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill every morning before work, four days a week. It has given me somewhat of a new confidence, although I've always considered myself a confident person. I've also been adapting healthier eating habits, choosing lower fat and sugar selections when possible. I don't deprive myself of something I want, I just make better choices for my major meals and eat less portions. It's working out very well for me.

I'm trying to motivate myself at work. I love my job, but I got a little burned out after the last trade show we attended. We are having a department head/development strategies meeting this week and I'm hoping for a good outcome.

My husband is an asshole. Unless it has something to do with rock and roll, beer or drugs, he doesn't care. I'm so sick of his shit.

My kids are great! I have no complaints. I have a tendency to worry a bit about how they were raised because I opted not to use any of the parenting skills my parents used. More and more everyday, I realize that I am raising smart, caring, open-minded, confident young individuals who will do very well in the world.

In almost every post I talk about my lover. Our relationship is growing strong. He's very dear to me and I enjoy every moment we talk and are together. He has been a huge impact in my life and I love him. I could go on and on.

It's nice to have good friends, family and loved ones and be surrounded by such positive energy. It has been a long time since I felt so good from outside sources. Now I just need to deal with the only negative energy in my life. For now, he's not really an interruption, more of an annoyance. I'm sure it will come to a head.

I want to end on a positive note, so... overall I'm feeling really good about where I'm at in life. I've always made my own direction and have not veered off path very often. I know I can overcome anything that's put in front of me. And I like to be a positive force in the lives of the people who I care about.

New Tat & Missing My Sweet Lover

Wow, I haven't written in almost a week. Not too much is going on. A few exciting things. I stayed with my lover on Thursday. Mmmm, I love him so much. He is so great. I wish I could see him more.

My daughter and I went and got our tattoos yesterday. I'm really happy with how mine turned out. It's really awesome and I love it. I ended up getting it in the middle of my lower back. I was worried at first that it might look trashy. But I don't care what other people think, I like it. Plus with the location I was going to get it, there was a possibility that the skin would be loose because I'm losing weight. Here's the design I got.


I've been so tired lately. I keep trying to take naps, but someone usually wakes me up. And when I'm not woken up, I usually don't get any quality sleep. I'm going to start taking my multivitamins in the morning to see if that helps any.

I don't know how to show my lover he can trust me. I tell him everything. And sometimes it ends up with us in an argument and him feeling upset. I don't want to make him upset. I am trying to be understanding and love him the best I can. I don't know what else I can do. If I could truly be with him I would. I don't know if he feels the same way. I don't push the subject and won't. I take the love that he gives me. I'm so head over heels for him and want to continue this sweet, passionate relationship we have. I miss him when we are not together and think about him a lot. I wish he knew that I really do value our friendship, love him so much, and there isn't anyone that could replace him.

Update... I just chatted with my lover. I have nothing to worry about. I will love him no matter what. Unless something changes, I know we will be so good for each other and enjoy our secret love.

Out On The Town

I anticipated that my 4 day weekend over Memorial day was going to be boring as usual. However, I have been keeping very busy and having a lot of fun.

Last night my daughter, her friend and her mom went to a pre-release music concert. It was a unique interpretive (artsy) series of performances. My daughter's friend's mom is dating one of the members of the band that played and we all decided to go out for dinner after the concert along with the composer and one of the sound crew. It was pretty late and we weren't sure on the location of where we were supposed to meet up. We drove around for about half an hour trying to find the location of the restaurant. We ended up heading towards where my lover lives and it made me smile. We realized we were going the wrong way, turned around and finally found the place.

We arrived, sat down and ordered our dinners. The guys met up with us shortly after. During dinner I spotted a couple a few tables over cuddling and kissing. It was so sweet and it made me smile and think about my lover. We ended up getting home pretty late so I went straight to bed when I got home.

I purchased tickets for all of us, plus my son to go to the IMAX theater to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 for today, so we left this morning and drove down state. It's about 3 hours to the theater. We stopped at a couple of garage sales on the way and stopped to have lunch. We stopped at KFC and my daughter ordered a Colonel Sander's Fun Pack. It was really funny because there is no such thing and it was funny watching the cashier trying to find it on his computer. He thought it was funny too. It was a really fun road trip. The movie ended up not actually being shown inside the IMAX theater but in the adjoining theater which was shown on a DLP screen. It was still really awesome and the movie was really good.

I've been having a good time this weekend and I thought about my lover a lot. On our way down state we passed the hotel where my lover and I stay often. We also drove passed the city he was staying for the weekend and the city he grew up in. The theater was in the city he goes to school. I thought about my lover almost every second of the day. When I'm not with him, I think about him a lot and the times we have together. I love daydreaming about my lover. It makes me happy and it also makes my heart ache to be with him. He's so much fun, he's so sexy and makes me feel sexy, he's sweet and loving. I love being with him and I'm so in love with him.

The Art of Eroticism & Adoration

A glimpse, a smile, a wink
A tender brush against your cheek
Warm touches and affectionate caresses
A deep extended embrace

Lips pressed against each other's
A sensual pause and a complete understanding
A rush of emotion and excitement
A breathy whisper in your ear

Hot steamy sensuous kisses
Lust and longing, a mutual desire
Pulses racing, heart pounding
The way you look into each other's eyes

Eager and hungry, complete abandon
Seductive and passionate love making
A gasp of sweet surrender
The natural beauty of it all

A favorite song sung to you
Sharing thoughts and fears, growing together
Being with the one you love, contentment
A sweet goodbye kiss

A lover you want to keep forever

TGIF?

I went to see my lover twice yesterday, once in the afternoon and once late in the evening. Sometimes I feel bad that I consume some of his time because he has such a grueling schedule right now with work, home, family and his classes. But I get the impression that he does want to spend time with me. So I'm going to be selfish and take it.

The time together was sweet, playful and passionate. I love that. It felt unrushed and affectionate, I enjoyed it so much. For the first time since we have been seeing each other it felt like he was my boyfriend. Which, I guess he sorta is. It just never really felt like that before and I didn't really think about it until last night. I am looking forward to this relationship to develop further and share more with him.

I ended up getting home in the early morning and I'm surprised I wasn't "found out". I haven't seen my husband yet today since he left for work early this morning. He may still come home and ask where I went last night. I want to tell him so bad, "I was with someone else, we made passionate love, and I'm not in love with you."

I don't want to sit around the house this weekend. I will have to figure out something to do. I hope the weather is good. With the weird moods I have been in I really need the sunshine.

Life Is Waiting For Me

This week has been pretty eventful. Mostly very peculiar. In a way I can't wait for the week to be over. But then again I'm looking at another weekend of total boredom and loneliness.

The realization that I am unhappy in my marriage hit me so hard this week. Earlier in the week I wrote my husband a letter telling him how I felt. I realized after I wrote it I never said what I wanted to do about it. Just that I am unhappy and I think he is too, among other things. The uncertainty of what will happen scares the shit out of me. I have never been through anything like this before in my life. I have confided in a few of my friends and co-workers about this and to my surprise, they weren't surprised. Maybe I'm being too naive about the situation, but I really think that we may be able to have a co-habitive separation. Basically, that's what it seems like right now, with the exception of the fact that we are still sharing a bedroom.

My lover has been there for me more than he knows. I'm not talking about the sexual relations we have. He makes me think, and think a lot. I want so much more out of life. I want to leave my husband. Not because I have a lover. I was unhappy in my marriage before I met my lover. And that is why I pursued it. I know I got my priorities out of order. But I'm just scared of doing it and scared of the uncertainty of the future.

My lover and I are growing and learning more and more about each other. There's so many things in both of our pasts. We both have a lot of deep rooted issues that we are each dealing with. His distrust for women makes me sad. I have never had to try so hard in my life to earn someone's trust. It's so hard because one of the reasons he detaches himself is exactly the thing I'm doing to my husband. Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? I don't want to be like that at all. He has no idea how much I want him to feel comfortable around me and love me. And I go out of my way to make sure I am untouched and pure for him. I just have to be patient and understanding. I am still trying to figure out what my issues are. I do know that a lot of my reckless behavior has stemmed from my past and the fact that I didn't have a real family that cared about me. I have always had to be self-sufficient and make things happen on my own. I gave up a lot of my own needs when I started a family. Now that my kids are growing up and my husband is oblivious, I want to start living again. I know it's waiting for me out there. I need to dig deep, make a plan, and follow my heart. And I know, unlike when I was younger, I have a huge support team behind me.

Late Night Drive: A Secret Rendezvous

My lover and I had talked about sneaking out late at night before and meeting together. The plan was that I would drive up to his house and I would pick him up out on the road where he would be waiting for me. Well, I was feeling lonely and a bit mischievous last night and I proposed we go for it.

It took me about 45 minutes to get there. I picked him up but we had no idea where we were going to go. We stopped briefly and we kissed, like two hungry lovers with an unsatisfied appetite for each other. We drove down the main road a little ways and found a location that was private where we could be alone. We pulled in. It was so good to see and feel him.

We kissed passionately as we always do, embraced and caressed each other. He caressed my lips and I took his finger in my mouth and licked and sucked on it. He reached into my blouse and bared my breast which he took eagerly in his mouth. He was getting hard in his jeans. I rubbed his cock through his pants and looked at him longingly as I started to unzip him. I went down on him, taking his entire cock in my mouth. I love that he loves that. He pumped my mouth, grabbing my hair, until he could no longer hold it. He came in my mouth and I eagerly took all of his sweet juices.

Our rendezvous was short and sweet, but sexy and sensual as usual. The passion between us is unbelievable and undeniable. It was really exciting and spontaneous and I'm glad I went. I love every second I get to spend with him.

Sweet Lover: A Night of Passion

I had an incredible day yesterday which extended long into the night. My lover and I made arrangements to have an overnight together. We met up in the morning just before noon. It was so good to see him because we hadn't seen each other in over a week. I was so anxious and excited the whole night before and the drive to meet him was long and torturous. But, I finally arrived and I was so happy.

He couldn't stay long as he had to drive down state to attend his class. We had a little bit of time together before he had to head out for the day, promising to return at night. We made love before he left. It was so good to feel him in my arms again.

I was so sad to see him leave. I wanted him to stay with me so bad, but he had to leave for awhile. He told me his class would probably run long, although he hoped it wouldn't, and would return some time around midnight. So I made the most of my time during his absence.

In the evening I settled down awaiting his return. I slipped into a sexy cami set and laid down to watch tv. At just a little after 10pm I got a knock on the door. It kinda scared me because I wasn't expecting my lover until later. I looked out the peep hole and to my excitement it was him returning early. I swung open the door and I was so happy. He was happy to see me too.

He curled up with me in bed and we watched some basketball on tv, talked and cuddled. I love his affection and sweet kisses. I love his every touch and the way he looks at me. His warm breath on mine is so sweet and filled with passion. We made the most passionate love. It was very hot and sexy and intense. It makes me feel so good to be able to share that with someone and I love to be able to give it all back to my lover. It just comes so naturally that I can't explain it. We are so good together.

We went to bed and it was so good to feel him next to me. I tried hard to get to sleep but it was very difficult. I lay there, feeling his warm body next to mine and listening to his breath. It made me feel warm and happy.

He had to get up early in the morning to head off to work. It would have been awesome to have spent a little more time together, but that couldn't happen. He kissed me goodbye and headed out. Damn, why didn't I get in that shower with him! I stayed a little longer and laid in bed to try and get more sleep. I rolled over onto his pillow and I could smell him. He has awakened all of my senses. I am truly enjoying my lover and I will always have a place in my heart for him.

A final thought...

I keep telling him I'm nervous, which I'm sure is confusing as hell. So I had to really think about it to figure out what I mean. The reality of it, my relationship with my lover, is this. I don't know how much of myself to give to him. I try so hard to give him everything and open up completely. And he encourages me to. The problem lies in the fact that we are not truly together, only in our escapades. I have never really had a true lover before. I've had extramarital sex, just not an ongoing love affair. It has me so excited and feeling free and uninhibited. And I want it to continue. While sex with him is totally natural and pure, I'm still learning about him. But how much am I really supposed to know and how much do I give of me? Is it okay to open up my mind and my heart to him? That would mean that I would have an emotional connection with him. And I do. I love him. So I have come to a conclusion. See, I'm an Aquarius and I have tendencies to plan everything. I need to let go of all of it and just relax and have fun. I realized this after last night because we spent more time together than before and had a lot of opportunities to talk with one another and just enjoy each other. And afterwards, today, while I'm still feeling hungry for his love, I feel a little less uptight about it. I think it's okay to be in love with him. And I want him to be my friend as well as my lover.

The Day's Escape

I didn't do a whole lot today. It was gorgeous outside, warm and sunny. I took a drive and went shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I had never been in there before, it was pretty cool. I bought some bar stools, a new feather pillow for myself (oooooh), and some rugs for my bathroom. Then I went to Payless to find some new sandals for summer. I didn't find any that I liked, but I bought 2 pairs of really sexy boots. I think I might wear a pair to see my lover. With me in them, he will probably be right at my chest level. That's so hot! : )

More to Come

Okay, I should be working and I will be right after I get this entry in.

Last night before going to bed I chatted with my lover for over an hour. God I long for him to hold me and kiss me! He shared a lot with me and we decided to exchange links to our blogs. It means a lot to me that he is willing to let me see inside of him and share his deepest thoughts and feelings, turmoils and triumphs. I can't wait to learn more about him.

He has inspired me to write more in my blog. I think I know where I will start. I wrote a story when I was in high school about my life and who I was at that time. I think I will retype it tonight and add it to my next post. That would be a very good place to start.

Thought for the day: I would like to become more observant. Let's SEE... how could I go about doing that? LOL

Afternoon Delight

I had a wonderful time this afternoon, as usual. I went to see my lover at his office as he was spending the day trying to catch up on some work. He took time out to see me and I love that. He thinks I'm sexy and "yummy" he tells me. He does this crazy thing with his eyes, they get all big when he looks at me. It's so cute!

Well, whatever happens, happens with this relationship. For now I am enjoying myself and love spending time with him. I feel like this is exactly what I needed and I never knew someone could seem like they love me so much. I don't know if he is in love with me or not. If not, he's pretending very well and I don't mind it. He's a huge flirt like me and I crave that oh so much. I could at this point make some comparisons with him and my husband, but I won't.

Tomorrow it's back to work. I have a lot of catching up to do. I've been behind on my development schedule since I returned from Las Vegas on a business trip. I have a great programming team behind me though. I think we will be able to catch up fairly quickly.

OMG, I can't stop thinking about my lover. I hope he's online tonight. I stay up so late just to see if he is. I have turned off (appear invisible) to all my other contacts except my lover. And I leave little messages in my status for him. I don't know if he has noticed yet.

The Saga Continues...

Well, it's a gorgeous day today. There's so much to do.

Just got an im from my lover. I'm so happy to talk with him. My husband, as usual, is about to take off for awhile and go spend time with his buddies. So, I've made arrangements to go see my lover this afternoon. I will try to behave the best I can. But he drives me crazy!

I forgot to mention in my last post where I am with my husband's friend. I'm totally ignoring him at the moment. I told him I couldn't come over to see him the last time we talked. I don't have any desire to continue that relationship. It's not what I want. There's nothing there. He says one thing and then he totally acts the opposite. He's just not mature or intelligent enough for me.

I've Been Addicted To You

Okay, my very first post. This is going to be tough, as I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I'm 36, have 2 teenagers, 14 and 17 and I'm married. I've been married for 15, going on 16. I hope to god this is not my mid-life crisis I'm going through.

About 3 months ago I finally stopped getting my depo-provera injections which I had been taking since my 14 year old son was born. My gynecologist informed me I was only supposed to be on it for 5 or 10 years. Not sure which, cause the story changed when I went back. Nevertheless, I was past the recommended usage. This was actually welcoming news as I had packed on a lot of weight from the medication as well as other factors. I decided that I would make a life change, get off my depo and start a workout regimen.

That's when things started to change. I knew that my body would start going through changes. I had no idea that I would have such dramatic mood changes as well. While I hide this very well, putting on a front for everyone, I'm finding that I'm more alive... more dead...more I don't know. To explain, I'm a very easy going person... people love me. I would do anything for anyone. I devoted the last 17 years to my family, my kids, my work... not myself. I always found happiness in my devotion to everyone else. Like I said earlier, my kids are now teenagers. They are becoming more independent. That's great, they are great kids! Now I can spend more time with my husband. There are a couple of problems with that. One, my husband is selfish, he drinks too much, smokes pot, won't grow up, and he doesn't pay attention to me. The other problem, I don't think I care. [crying]

Then I decided I was going to do something about it. Not wait around to be happy. I needed someone to pay attention to me, listen to me, be my friend. I started to sign up for every dating site I could find under an anonymous account. Yes, I'm still married. I began to get a lot of attention, just what I wanted. Everyone wanted to know who is this sexy chic? I got several emails every day from all of the sites, from men, women and couples. I met a guy who seemed kind of nice, but he lived downstate from me, over a hundred miles away. We exchanged several emails back and forth for a couple of weeks and even started a fantasy sequence story by email picking up on the story where the other left off. It was a lot of fun. Truth was, I really wasn't that interested in him. I did like being open about my fantasies and being able to share them with someone. The correspondence stopped after about 2 weeks, when he had a family emergency come up. Not sure if this was the truth or it was that I wasn't going to meet with him. Didn't matter, I wasn't interested.

Then I acted on a hunch that one of my husband's friend was in love with me. My husband and I had several conversations about this, joking around. I decided one day I would find out for sure. I was on my way to work and the roads were very slick and icy. I took a detour and stopped at his house at about 6:30 in the morning. We had coffee, talked, and then it happened. We went into his bedroom and we had oral sex together. We did not have intercourse as he has difficulties with erections. We had a good time anyway.

About a week later, I was at home at night, kids were gone, husband was drinking and having fun with his friends in the backyard. I was all alone and I called him. He told me that we shouldn't be doing this and that he had morals and that my husband was his good friend and he didn't want him to kick his ass. I told him that was fine and I respected his feelings and we could continue just being friends.

That broke my heart at first because I was being rejected. Then one morning he im'd me and said he wanted me to come over for coffee. So I did. We sat in his living room and he told me that he didn't like me in a girlfriend kind of way but he liked the sex we had. While that hurt me a little, I took the sex anyways. It turned out the same as before, lots of foreplay and oral, no intercourse.

At this point, I'm getting mixed messages. Or, maybe it's just me. Let's look at the facts: he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, he only likes the sex. What is it that I want? Do I want just a little fun on the side? The sex isn't that great. Do I want to leave my husband? Maybe. Would I stay with my husband if he paid more attention to me and quit drinking and doing drugs so much? Hmmm, I don't know. Moment of truth, I have never been "in love" with my husband, ever. I love him, he's my friend. That's it.

A couple of weeks later, while browsing one of the dating sites, I found a profile that perked my interest. He was married too and I loved the answers he gave to the questions in his profile. Some of them were exactly as I would have answered them. I quickly sent him a message that I was interested. He answered back, not surprisingly (not surprisingly because there are more men than women on the sites and I'm sure if a woman seems interested the man is going to want to find out more).

We wrote each other a few times, he seemed very nice as I expected. Then we added each other to our im accounts. We chatted for a while and exchanged photos. While chatting with him, he turned on his camera. I instantly adored his smile. He showed me his office, then gave me his phone number to call him. We talked and set up an appointment (he penciled me in) to come up to his office to meet him. This was very scary to me because I didn't know him at all. When it came time to go see him, I had second thoughts about going, but he seemed very eager to meet me. I figured I could go and meet with him and if I didn't feel comfortable or didn't like him I could leave. I didn't leave. We made the most of our brief meeting together. I had sex with him and we talked for a bit. He is a very caring person, from what I could tell, and his profession is a very noble one. I wanted to know him more.

He talks to me just about every day. He's so sweet and thoughtful and generous.

We made arrangements to meet again. This time, we had more time to spend together. He made reservations for us at a motel and we set the time to meet there. I was so eager to hold him and kiss him. We were at the motel all by ourselves as none of the other rooms were booked. Our time together was very passionate and sensual and provocative. I enjoyed it immensely. We had wild sex, we kissed a lot (A LOT)... we breathed each others breath. He took my breath away. I feel I am falling in love with him. Lover, I need you. I can't stop now... I've been addicted to you. I don't know where this is going. And maybe I'm wrong... maybe it's lust. But I appreciate the way you appreciate me, the way you hold me, the way you kiss me, the way you taste and breathe me into you. I fear the end as I could not bear it. But until that time, I'm going to realize the moment I have and take it and never take it for granted.