So, my husband was sitting at the kitchen table and he says to me, "Oh, I couldn't sleep last night. I have no money and I have to pay bills." Then, he proceeds to say, "I have no beer, I have no pot, I have nothing." He says that a lot and it irritates me and makes me sad at the same time. So, I repeat it back questioningly, "I have no beer, I have no pot, I have nothing?" He replied, "Oh, you too?" I was not amused and just glared at him.
See my husband is a miserable soul. He walks around the house mumbling about how crappy his life is, etc. Minor things! Like the other day he complained, mumbling four times about how the bread I bought had nuts in it. I think they were sunflower seeds, it was like a 7 grain bread or something. My kids and I just look at each other puzzled and ignore him most of the time.
One thing I do have to say is that he actually does pay his bills on time and is responsible about them. I on the other hand wait until the last minute, but I don't dwell on them or sweat them. I always know that things will work out and I always take care of them. I wonder what he will complain about today?
Supplemental Post Update (10/15/07)
I was compelled to add this post update because I find it both sad and disturbing that 76% of my readers that use search engines to find their way to my blog end up at this entry from search terms such as "drama queen husband", "husband is miserable", "miserable husband", "my husband the drama queen", and "my husband is miserable to be around". Unfortunately, I do not have any advice for you, nor should I. After all, each situation as well as the reason you have landed here is going to be different. I personally chose the path of letting go and seeking independence. That may not be the right path for you. However, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you, the reader, to please leave a comment and tell us what is on your mind. It can be a heartfelt plea, a silly thing your husband said or did, whatever. You can leave your comment anonymously and I'm hoping you will find it therapeutic and maybe even brighten your day knowing that you are not alone.
7 comments:
Your story sounds all too familiar - although I pay nearly all the bills because I can't bear to hear him moan about how much this bill is or that bill was, blah, blah.
Today he was on my case because I'm throwing a birthday party and putting on the whole spread for the guests and he's like don't make that or don't make this we're going to be spending $300 on food. I just said wow! $300 that's like not even one fortnight's mortgage payment or two months power bill and then it was WWIII.
Nothing is ever good enough for him and he just never seems happy. He's always dreaming of moving somewhere else, like that's going to make anything better - same shit different place.
I've done the same - I have become mostly independent, and sometimes I think I should leave but with kids it is just too complicated and if he would just shut up about money and smile occasionally I would be pretty happy..
What can you do other than leave??
Well first and foremost, do not get sucked into his misery. It is important that you remain positive even if he isn't.
If he feels the need to make such a comment you should acknowledge that you have heard him and understand how he feels. But you will need to honestly hear what he is saying and answer truthfully to yourself... Can you afford it? If you are responsible for the bills and you know that the party is within your budget then he really shouldn't have a say. But you could attempt to reassure him that you've already looked at the bills and that you will keep the cost down for the party and not to worry. If he continues on at that point, there's probably more going on than just "we can't afford it".
As far as his continuous misery, I really do not have any suggestions as I was unsuccessful at pulling my ex out of it. I simply did not let it affect me and chose to ignore it. However, this obviously ate away at me over time and now I am divorcing him. Keep in mind that the fact I felt I was never truly in love with him played a huge factor. If I can give you any advice at all, something that has seemed to work for me the majority of the time in my marriage and in raising my children is this... pick your battles. Don't make everything an issue and if they make it a huge issue, don't play into it. And you have to remember that this state of misery that he is in can only be fixed by himself. You have responsibilities in that you become a part of it and what you choose to do can influence him, but it also has an impact on you. So if you are becoming overwhelmed with dealing with it, it isn't good for you either.
My husband is miserable too. He makes enough money, is healthy, has 2 beautiful, sweet, healthy kids, a wife who loves and supports him, etc, etc, I could go on and on. We have a life that most anyone would look at and could easily envy. Yet, it is not enough for him. I am so sick of him asking what he has to be happy about. It is always about money and we never have enough. Of this I am certain- no matter how much we ever have - be it millions or billions - it will never be enough to equal happiness. It will always be something. I think Paul had it right when he said that he had learned to be content in any state. I am fearful that one day something will happen to make him realize how good of a life he really had. He is throwing happiness away with both hands. It is depressing when we should be enjoying life together. I know there are answers to a lot of these men's concerns about money in the Proverbs. Maybe we all need to study them.
MISERABLE isn't the word for mine. I do not think there is a word. He hates everything, everyone, insultsm belittles, and criticizes everyone over everything. He does nothing but complain. He will stay up til 3 am and watch TV and them complain he got no sleep. Not one night but many. It is so sad. Life is so short when you think about it. He could be happy and treat people well but he insists on behaving in such a hateful way.
He never smiles and he has so much to smile about. I could just take my daughters and the dogs and runaway.
Wow, while I'm happy to know that others have to put up with cranky husband's, it makes me sad that it's happening to all of you too. My husband is also constantly complaining, he's moved from Britain to Canada to live here with me and it's "stupid canadians this" and "stupid canadians that" even though I have told him I find it insulting he still doesn't stop. He also nags at me for every little thing and blames me for moving his stuff or if anything goes missing or if he's forgotten something it's because I've never told him about it. We did counselling at the beginning of the year but it's almost now like I'm "over it", I'm so bored of all the drama and I am so happy when he works long days so I don't have to see him. There are some good days in our marriage, sometimes for a long period of time, but they seem so far and few between. Thanks for letting me write things down here it feels much better to spill it all out.
Hello,
I am a miserable husband. After searching Google for miserable husband I found your wonderful blog. My wife also refers to me as a "drama queen." I suppose I am. However, I can list reason why I am the way I am; looking miserable ect... The reasons might not sound too sensible so I will spare you all the reasons. I just hope all the wives in this world understand that there is a reason for everything - cause and effect. Some of those causes might not be fair. We all know the effects certainly are not.
One last thing. I have found that most women have double standards when dealing with the male shortcomings versus the females. I find that women are much more understanding with woman who have issues with their husband and very intolerant with husbands who have issues with their wives. I guess that's just life.
I have a drama-queen fiancé. He is working on being a drama-queen ex-fiancé. He is so emotional that every question I ask, even the ones that are benign like "have you seen my keys?" turns into a fight. He thinks that by asking him, I am blaming him. All I really wanted to know was whether or not he had seen my keys laying around.
I am at the end of my rope. I have emotions, but am not emotional at all. I can be extremely insensitive, which is a terrible problem that I try every day to control, contain, and fix. It is hard to get any level of understanding from him, because everything is presumed by him to be his fault.
It makes it even harder for me to be cautious about my mean ways, when everything I do is perceived as 'mean, hateful and intentional'.
I would never spend 2 years of hard work and dedication on a relationship to be hateful and intentionally mean. I would rather live by myself, than live that way.
He never smiles, and is often displaying a scowl, or some other negative facial expression.
I am a woman. I pick up on body language whether I like it or not. I try not to act on it all the time, because I am not always right, but it makes it so tough to approach him.
As far as women having double-standards, I agree, but do not feel that I have any.
I was a little too sarcastic with him one evening (usually it's just a joke gone awry, as I am insensitive) in front of a friend of ours. He told me how much I hurt his feelings, and I realized how big of a jerk I was. I apologized and told him I would try harder to watch my sarcasm.
While constantly curbing my own mouth, I have grown extremely frustrated with his sarcasm. We can't say anything to each other without him slipping in some sarcastic comment or joke. Usually, this would have been a funny little sarcasm tennis match between us. Never a hurt feeling, only jokes and giggles.
Since the incident at our friend's house, I have been incapable of taking a joke, as well as making a joke. I can't seem to moderate it; it's either on or off.
He said I am not the same, and I am not easy to talk to any more.
I guess I am just afraid that he will be sarcastic, which at this point pisses me off, because I am trying so hard to stop being sarcastic.
He was even told by an employee (after complaining about a customer who was overly sarcastic towards him) that he was the most sarcastic person around.
I felt a little happy to hear that, in a spiteful or "take that" sort of way, which only led to unnecessary guilt on my part. I never told him that it made me happy to hear that.
He still seems incapable of seeing that he wants me to curb my sarcasm, but refuses to check his own self.
I feel like an alcholic who is trying to stop drinking, while at a beer festival.
I feel very alone in this.
I can't get any support from him, because if I tell him I am feeling bad, he assumes it is his fault, and proceeds to become such a drama-queen that I feel like it's my fault that he is so upset.
It's not my fault he is a drama-queen.
He is all of the people he says he hates, but he will never see it.
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