Life Is Waiting For Me

This week has been pretty eventful. Mostly very peculiar. In a way I can't wait for the week to be over. But then again I'm looking at another weekend of total boredom and loneliness.

The realization that I am unhappy in my marriage hit me so hard this week. Earlier in the week I wrote my husband a letter telling him how I felt. I realized after I wrote it I never said what I wanted to do about it. Just that I am unhappy and I think he is too, among other things. The uncertainty of what will happen scares the shit out of me. I have never been through anything like this before in my life. I have confided in a few of my friends and co-workers about this and to my surprise, they weren't surprised. Maybe I'm being too naive about the situation, but I really think that we may be able to have a co-habitive separation. Basically, that's what it seems like right now, with the exception of the fact that we are still sharing a bedroom.

My lover has been there for me more than he knows. I'm not talking about the sexual relations we have. He makes me think, and think a lot. I want so much more out of life. I want to leave my husband. Not because I have a lover. I was unhappy in my marriage before I met my lover. And that is why I pursued it. I know I got my priorities out of order. But I'm just scared of doing it and scared of the uncertainty of the future.

My lover and I are growing and learning more and more about each other. There's so many things in both of our pasts. We both have a lot of deep rooted issues that we are each dealing with. His distrust for women makes me sad. I have never had to try so hard in my life to earn someone's trust. It's so hard because one of the reasons he detaches himself is exactly the thing I'm doing to my husband. Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? I don't want to be like that at all. He has no idea how much I want him to feel comfortable around me and love me. And I go out of my way to make sure I am untouched and pure for him. I just have to be patient and understanding. I am still trying to figure out what my issues are. I do know that a lot of my reckless behavior has stemmed from my past and the fact that I didn't have a real family that cared about me. I have always had to be self-sufficient and make things happen on my own. I gave up a lot of my own needs when I started a family. Now that my kids are growing up and my husband is oblivious, I want to start living again. I know it's waiting for me out there. I need to dig deep, make a plan, and follow my heart. And I know, unlike when I was younger, I have a huge support team behind me.