The Past Two Days

It's very dark here. I can't see the mess I have created. It's quiet. I hear cars drive by and stop and car doors open and shut. It makes me happy that other people are together. I listen to hear if it's one car door and hope it's you here to see me. For the past two days I can't even listen to the radio in my car. I feel at peace at work, but I still can't wait for the work day to be over. But my cabin is no longer happy and bright and full of sounds. I don't like coming here. I've thought about sleeping in my car twice now. I've thought about dropping all of my belongings off for donation and skipping town. I've been sleeping a lot, but I'm so exhausted. I was so happy the last few weeks. The time went by too quickly. I wish I could get back to sleep. This is the third time I've gotten up tonight. Maybe I'm not sleeping as much as I think. I miss you. I hope you come back.

Missing You

I don't want to be all alone. It makes me so sad. I wish I knew it was really okay. I wish I could know what you are thinking and feeling. I wish you would let me in completely. I don't want to feel all alone in this. I don't want to have to feel like I have to be numb to the fact that I am deeply in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My heart aches when you are away from me. Please come back to me.

New Soul - Yael Naïm

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

La la la la la la la la...

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate try to communicate
finding just that love is not always easy to make.

La la la la la la la la...

This is a happy end, 'cause you don't understand
Everything you have done, why's everything so wrong?
This is a happy end, come and give me your hand
I'll take your far away.

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about how to give and take
but since I came here felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

(I'm a new soul) La la la la la la la la...
(In this very strange world) La la la la la la la la...
(Make every possible mistake) La la la la la la la la...

To Be Inspired

I want to be inspired
every single day.
I want to be inspired
to live, do more, love better.
It is one of the best feelings I know.
It makes you excited,
it stimulates you,
it makes you smile.
It gives you enthusiasm,
encouragement,
strength.
It is the purist form of thinking.
It is motivating and positive.
I want to be inspired
every single day.

Cold, Assertiveness and Old Friends

I'm so ready for winter to be over. I need some sunshine and warmth. I'm curled up on my sofa with a blanket and my toes are freezing.

I've been questioning myself lately whether I have enough self-respect. I would do almost anything for anyone but at what cost? I need to find the inner strength that I know I have and be more assertive. I think I would gain more respect from others if I did.

I've been thinking about reconnecting with some old friends. My social life has been pretty non-existent these days and I'm getting to be a regular homebody. That's not bad in itself, but too much of any one thing can be. I am a firm believer in balance.

No One - Alicia Keys

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So till the end of time I'm telling you there is no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Content

I came to a very big conclusion today and that is that everything is going to be okay. I kept telling myself this in hopes that I would believe it. I don't know why I had doubts. I always come through. What really made me strongly believe and feel it was something that seemed of very little significance. I was sitting in my living room after a long day at work. Work went well and I was just relaxing and winding down for the day. I was eating waffles for dinner, not anything spectacular. But, I had a strong feeling of contentment. This contentment was a feeling I had longed so much for as a child. I had on several ocassions when I was younger, sat and wondered what my life would be like when I was older. Hoping that it wouldn't be as difficult as I had felt my life was growing up, hoping for something better. I have everything going for me and I like my life and who I am. I am going to be making some big changes soon with the divorce and am anxious to get back on track and moving forward. But I know I have to be patient and it will come in time. This is a good feeling.

2007 Year in Review

Day one of the new year, 2008. Wow, what a year it has been! Crazy, overwhelming, emotional, exciting... crazy!

I had difficulty at work because early in the year I lost my motivation and became very overwhelmed. I have been regaining momentum and hope this new year brings back the excitement. I love my work and I'm very good at what I do. I have almost tripled my salary since I started almost 8 years ago. My anniversary is in 2 days.

I left my husband of 16 years. I had been unhappily married for several years with the last 3 being especially lonely and distant. It was the right thing to do. It was very difficult and emotional. I'm looking forward to filing the paperwork and finalizing the divorce. I'm so glad he didn't try harder to hold on.

I fell in love. He's amazing. My heart is pounding just thinking about him. He's sweet and caring, loving and giving, smart, funny, cute and sexy. He's married and I have never been involved with someone in a relationship before, so it is a bit difficult and emotional at times. I cannot however deny my heart and my feelings. I'm looking forward to every moment with him this year and hope it brings good things for us.

I believe the events of 2007 was in preparation for great things to come in 2008. I can't wait!

Songbird - Fleetwood Mac

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.

Insecurity vs. Trust

Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about what it is exactly that seems to tear at my relationship, what creates the most problems. I had been feeling what I thought was jealousy stemming from insecurity. I mentioned earlier I don't like these feelings and don't like the behaviors I had been resorting to because of them. So I decided that in order to fix the problem I would first need to learn more about this thing called insecurity. Today however, I realized that I, for the most part, am not an insecure person. Defined as "lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt", or any of the following:

• Feeling of not being "good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.


• Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.


• Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.


• Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.


• Sense of not fitting in, being "out of sync'' with those in your peer group.


• Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.


• Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.


• Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.


• Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.


• Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are, and what responses are appropriate for events in life.

Sure I can say that sometimes I don't feel I have the support I need at work or sometimes my family doesn't quite understand me. And lately I have been feeling overwhelmed at times because of some of the changes in my life. However, I move forward. These things don't stop me. I don't feel I am inadequate or that I am incapable of being loved. I do get to a point of frustration and sometimes think I won't find love. But do I really believe that? No, not at all. I do feel that life has thrown me a few curve balls and sometimes it feels like it's intentional. But I have to laugh at that. Intentional? By who? Besides, I always work through my challenges and get past them. And I'm not afraid to fail.

So, what is this feeling that is plaguing me in my relationship? Well... trust, "to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something; confident expectation of something; hope." or any of the following:

• Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.


• Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.


• Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.


• Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.


• The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.


• The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.


• The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.


• The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.


• Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.


• The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.

Still a bad thing, not any better than insecurity... maybe even worse. If this is the problem, how does this apply to my relationship?

On the positive side, I do open myself up and share my vulnerabilities and trust that they are secure. I also let my emotions be known although sometimes I don't always feel that my lover supports me in what I am going through. The biggest problems revolve around having little hope that the relationship will be long lasting and having a fear of dishonesty in the relationship.

Everyone always says, "Trust is something you earn," meaning over time a person trusts you more and more by being someone who is trustworthy. It is built upon. Early in the relationship I didn't have these feelings. If trust is built over time and the feelings were practically nonexistent in the beginning of my relationship, then when and how did they originate? There were two major incidents that occurred that I struggled with that seemed "out of place" and "not right". I confronted my lover both times. He assured me that they were nothing of value and not true. My heart told me to trust but my head told me that the answers were not good enough for closure. Now I am somewhat distrusting and it doesn't feel good. And it continues to create problems.

My first step, refute my irrational beliefs and replace them with new beliefs.

Irrational beliefs that I have:

• Negative sets of habitual responses we hold to when faced with stressful events or situations.


• Self-defeating ways of acting. On the surface they may look appropriate for the occasion, but actually they result in a neutral or negative consequence for us.


• Habitual ways of thinking, feeling, or acting that we think are effective; however, in the long run they are ineffectual.


• Counterproductive ways of thinking, which give comfort and security in the short run, but either do not resolve or actually exacerbate the problem in the long run.


• Negative or pessimistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.


• Patterns of thinking that make us appear to others as stubborn, bullheaded, intemperate, argumentative, or aloof.


• Means by which we become confused about the intentions of others when we are enmeshed in interpersonal problems with them.

Behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs I could have in order to develop trust:

• Hope in the goodness of mankind: Without such hope people can become emotionally stuck, reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not evil, bad, or ill-willed.


• Faith in the fairness of life: This faith in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief,'' that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually "get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway later in this life or in the next.


• Belief in a power greater than yourself: This is the acceptance of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience, whatever you will encounter in life. Rather than believing that you are 100% in control of your destiny, belief in this spiritual power enables you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you accept God's will in your life and enables you to let go of your distrust and isolation from others. If God is in control of the universe, you can lighten your load and let God do some of the leading in your life. "Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.


• A healing environment: This is the creating of a trust bond with the significant others in your personal life where blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode the participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues. The participants are then willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.


• Reduction of a sense of competition: This reducing of competition, jealousy, and defensiveness with significant others in your life is a way to reduce the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual trust.


• Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts: Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and the significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.


• Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become a real person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.


• Becoming vulnerable: This enables you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for who they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.


• Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.


• Self-acceptance: Accepting who you are and what your potential is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.

References: dictionary.com and coping.org

My Weekend Trip

My lover and I went on a trip for a few days. I had a really good time as usual. I caused problems a few times... again. I'm not totally sure why I become the "jealous girlfriend" sometimes. I really hate that so much. If I had to analyze my behavior surrounding it, I would attribute it to just being scared and uncertain of this relationship. I hope he realizes and understands that. And I feel I have every reason to feel that way considering this relationship is unorthodox in nature. This does not however warrant the behavior I have been exhibiting. It typically coincides with things that are frankly "coincidental" of all things and I don't have any reason to suspect him of being unfaithful to me. I have promised him I would stop getting jealous and learn to trust. Enough on this subject.

We had our own little Christmas and got each other gifts. He really liked what I got him. I'm so happy. He was so excited about them, it was so cute. We went to the mall and he bought me the most gorgeous heart necklace. It is my favorite piece of jewelry I own now. :) We sang Christmas songs, he's so funny. I love it when he sings, whether he's being funny or not. We also went out to eat a lot... and eat we did. We always eat well when we're traveling.

It's almost time to leave to head home. Message to him... "I had a really good time, I always do. I'm glad we could spend some time together for the holidays. I'm glad we are together. I love you, you are unique from anyone else I know... I am amazed by you, where you are, who you are... I'm proud of you, you inspire me. I'm glad I have a piece of your heart."

My Ultimate To-Do List

I'm reading, along with 3 other books, To-Do List by Sasha Cagen. The book is a collection of one hundred handwritten lists by real people of all ages and all walks of life about a variety of things "from buying milk to finding a soul mate". I am only a few chapters in and it has inspired me to create my own "Ultimate To-Do List" of sorts. I am a to-do lister by nature. There are at least two on my coffee table right at this moment as well as one that I found in my coat pocket. Typically my lists consist of things I need to buy at the grocery store or what I would like to accomplish for the week. I'm not sure why I have never made an Ultimate To-Do List before. After all, I have thought about the things I would like to do or have achieved in my lifetime but they were just thoughts in my head. Maybe I am afraid of failure, but I doubt that's it. So, here goes...

Weekly Horoscope

Okay, I'm not the type of person to take horoscopes super serious. But on occasion, especially when things look so hazy or uncertain to me, I like to look just to see what mine will say. When I do it seems like the are dead on like 90% of the time. I honestly don't know how the do that. Here's my love horoscope (from Astrology.com) for the past few days and the rest of the week and into next week...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
You can argue about this topic repeatedly, or you can resolve to let bygones be bygones. Frankly, working it over like a dog with a bone isn't yielding many results, so why not figure out a different approach?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Remember that old slogan, 'Make love, not war'? Yes, some emotions are running high, but the end result is up to you and your sweetheart. You can turn this into something positive and affectionate.

Thursday, November 29, 2007
Properly deployed, your charm is nothing short of lethal. In fact, your sweetheart might have a moment when they're a tad tongue-tied. If you know the right thing to say, go ahead and say it. They'll be grateful you did.

Friday, November 30, 2007
Putting yourself first might seem strange, but it's the greatest thing you could do for yourself (and your partner) right now. Learning to take care of your own needs builds a stronger relationship.

Saturday, December 1, 2007
Just take it easy and thing are going to work out fine. That's hard to see when you're so up close and personal to one of the details that it looks insurmountable. Try stepping away to see it as it truly is.

Sunday, December 2, 2007
You're ready to communicate, but your sweetie pie might be in a less-talk-more-action kind of mood. Whatever you do, don't force yourselves to be in sync. Just wait until the timing is right. You'll know when that is.

Monday, December 3, 2007
You and your lovebug know how to have a fantastic time in just about any circumstances, but when you're already in the middle of some extremely fun and flirty astral influences -- well, watch out!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Being convinced you always know best is an uncomfortable position to hold. It's time to get off that high horse before you get a cramp. Talk to your sweetie from your heart and you'll see a change in their reactions.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007
You know that with just a little more effort, you can get past this. Why not relax and accept where you are instead? Not only will you feel less tension, the pressure on your relationship will ease up as well. Phew!

Thursday, December 6, 2007
You feel as if you're in a double bind when it comes to this situation because you're deciding for two. The more you fight, the tighter the knots will become. Take a deep breath, trust yourself, then choose.

Friday, December 7, 2007
Now you can see with total clarity what the two of you need to do about the future. Your next task is to discuss the options with your sweetie. You know what the right thing to do is, and your arguments are stellar.

Saturday, December 8, 2007
Are you feeling uncertain about what to do next? Good! Certainty equals finality, and you're not ready to see the end of this situation yet. Toss around a few possibilities with your sweetie about what comes next.

Mediate - INXS

Hallucinate
Dessegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

Love your mate
Don't suffocate on your own hate
Designate your love as fate
A one world state
As human freight
The number eight
A white black state
A gentle trait
The broken crate
A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate
Now devastate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animal we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate

Fascinate
Deviate
Reinstate
Liberate
To moderate
Recreate
Or detonate
Annihiliate
Atomic fate

Mediate
Clear the state
Activate
Now radiate
A perfect state
Food on plate
Gravitate
The Earth's own weight
Designate your love as fate
At ninety-eight we all rotate

Hallucinate
Dessegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

Love your mate
Don't suffocate on your own hate
Designate your love as fate
A one world state
As human freight
The number eight
A white black state
A gentle trait
The broken crate

A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate

Now devastate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animals we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate
Fascinate
Deviate
Reinstate

Liberate
Liberate
Liberate
Liberate

The Hardest Thing

I feel like I just stabbed myself in the heart. The pain is so unbearable. I never knew a person could do this to oneself. I have had a lot of heartbreaks in my life but never that were self inflicted. I wanted so much to hold on, I tried to hold on. I have never loved like this before and now I have thrown it away. How the hell could I hold onto a 16 year marriage with someone I wasn't in love with yet throw a way a relationship with someone I am deeply in love with? I don't deserve to love anyone. I don't believe I was meant to be in love. My deepest fear...

Think Positive

I am so tired of feeling so negative and overwhelmed. It's really not in my true nature and I've been letting it get the better of me. I need to find my way back to my fun loving, relaxed, easy going nature that everyone loves and is quite honestly easier for me.

The Sea of Impossiblity and Uncertainty

For the past week I have felt like I am swimming in a sea of impossibilities... like I have no control over my life and where I am going. How can it be that some aspects of my life are so incredibly perfect and other aspects are so incredibly hopeless and uncertain? Some days I feel like the sea is consuming me, the waves crashing over my head as I struggle to stay afloat and catch my breath. But, I am a strong person and I refuse to be a victim. I won't be. This is just a phase in my life that is meant for me to learn and grow and prevail over.

I have no idea how to get through my divorce. The whole process is going painfully slow. I'm scared. I try so hard to make sure that everyone and everything is taken care of. I worry that the house will not sell and it will affect my finances or that I will be paying the mortgage for so long and it will prevent me from doing what I want to do. I worry that my son is at a vulnerable age and will not have positive influences living with his dad. I want so badly to move on and start thinking about my future and the future of my children. But I feel like I have little control over the progress. On the upside, I did make a decision to change my life. I knew I was not happy where I was and that I never would be. I identified it and was not going to continue on that path. That makes me strong and shows that I care about myself and won't settle for anything less than to be happy.

I feel overwhelmed at work. While I have a lot of support from my peers in making necessary changes to improve overall performance of my team's productivity, I feel like it is always a struggle and that there are certain people sabotaging my efforts. My department is expected to perform, but on occasion we have no cooperation from other departments. I don't believe this is intentional for the most part, at least not by everyone. I feel there is a breakdown in communication and it feels like a power struggle. Which is totally ridiculous because we should all have a common goal. I love my job, I love my work. I worked hard to get where I am. I am very successful and I will continue to be.

My social life is not what I would like it to be. I don't know what I am expecting. Sometimes I sit at home doing nothing. Sometimes I hang with my daughter and her friends, which is fun and I enjoy it, but I need friends my own age. Sometimes I do things with my co-workers that I consider my friends. But they are far away and also cause friction in my relationship. I am happy to have the opportunity to have people in my life who care about me. I want to be able to nurture these relationships and allow more in my life.

My love relationship is beautiful, loving and deep. I have never known anyone like him. I love him and need him. But the relationship will not survive. How can I be certain? He told me. He says he will never hurt me or leave me but I will never be his one and only... ever. I'm glad that he is honest with me, but I hate being reminded of it. It hurts. Maybe I am unrealistic and want too much. I never had any expectations beyond what is in front of me. I only asked to be loved. And he does love me. But I wish I knew what he wanted of me, what he expects of me. Is his ideal that he would continue with his marriage and have me as a lover on the side for the rest of his life? I don't believe he is happy. I wish I knew for sure. I wish I knew what he was going through, what he is feeling. I will love unconditionally. I will never stop loving him. I don't know how a person can love someone and always be content with a relationship that is not allowed to grow past current situations and I am not allowed to look past the present. If I do, I get sad, I start feeling and I hurt him in the process. It hurts me knowing that if I think about wanting to be with him it hurts him and makes him feel guilty and inadequate. In order to be truly happy a person has to have both present pleasure and future benefit. I feel hopeless and that I will lose in the end. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't love so much. That I should just enjoy this current relationship as if it were a fling. I wonder that looking at it that way might make him happy. In the present, this relationship is awesome. I love everything about him, about us, and I am enjoying this sweet affair. I will not let my hopelessness affect my relationship and will do everything I can to nurture it and make it grow regardless of the outcome.

I fear that by exploiting some of these feelings there will be a negative affect. I write these things in my blog because it is therapeutic for me. It gives me an outlet and allows me to be okay with what I am about and what I am feeling and going through. I want to trust that everything will work out. Sometimes it seems like I have so much working against me. It has always felt that way in my life. Like everything I go through is a challenge.

While I feel like I am sinking at times, I wouldn't do anything different and I would welcome all of it all over again. I am unique in my experiences and that's what makes me beautiful as a person. My challenges are my own. I manage through all that is put in front of me and I always overcome. At times I feel overwhelmed and hopeless, but don't feel sorry for me or underestimate me... watch out for me because I am amazing.

The Holidays

I love the holidays... spending time with loved ones, relaxing, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of our busy lives. My first thought of the very fast approaching holidays this year made me very sad. The changes in my life make it seem as though I can't be happy and do the things I love so much about the holiday season. Change can be very overwhelming and scary and holiday's are full of tradition and family and memories. I am going to do my best at making the most of them and not feel all alone.

Thanksgiving Plans:
1. Make Thanksgiving dinner for me and the kids.
2. Call my Mom.
3. Watch the Macy's parade.
4. Watch football.
5. Play Christmas music.
6. Decorate the cabin for Christmas.
7. Go shopping and buy toys for the Toys for Tots collection box.

Christmas Plans:
No plans yet. I may take a trip down to see my mom. I am also considering just taking a trip somewhere... anywhere. I don't know if I want to or can stay home. Now I am sad again. I can't wait until I stop feeling this way.

Lover

Lover, you touched me so deeply. I found so much in you, more than can be put into mere words. I have never in my entire existence had such intense feelings for someone. I fear I will never feel again, I will be dead... heartbroken and lonely. I wish I could touch you the way you touched me.

Lover, thank you for the journey. I will keep it close to my heart. You showed me heaven. I didn't know it could be so beautiful. Thank you for loving me.

Lover, I'm so close to the depths of hopelessness. I know you know. I always closed my eyes to the fact that we wouldn't be together. I convinced myself it wasn't true. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. I wish I could be strong for you, I'm so weak.

Lover, I wish you could see me when I dance and sing. Our minute in time has not afforded us such insight. I have such wonderful spirit. I have so much passion in my heart. I hope I can keep them.

Lover, I feel like I am not allowed to love... find love... be loved. It's not fair. I'm so desperate. I want to have a positive outlook, but my rainbow is fading. I don't know that it will return to me. I'm trying so hard to hold on.

Lover, it's so hard to say goodbye. I don't know that I can. Sometimes I wish you would just let me go. The pain would be so unbearable, but I know that we will both persevere. I know that we both have been through so much before knowing each other and we can overcome anything. It was what we were born to do.

Elton John - Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, shake it loose together
The spotlight's hitting something
That's been known to change the weather
We'll kill the fatted calf tonight
So stick around
You're gonna hear electric music
Solid walls of sound

Say, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet
But they're so spaced out, Bennie and the Jets
Oh but they're weird and they're wonderful
Oh Bennie she's really keen
She's got electric boots a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazine
Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they're blinded
But Bennie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
Where we fight our parents out in the streets
To find who's right and who's wrong