Songbird - Fleetwood Mac

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.

Insecurity vs. Trust

Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about what it is exactly that seems to tear at my relationship, what creates the most problems. I had been feeling what I thought was jealousy stemming from insecurity. I mentioned earlier I don't like these feelings and don't like the behaviors I had been resorting to because of them. So I decided that in order to fix the problem I would first need to learn more about this thing called insecurity. Today however, I realized that I, for the most part, am not an insecure person. Defined as "lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt", or any of the following:

• Feeling of not being "good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.


• Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.


• Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.


• Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.


• Sense of not fitting in, being "out of sync'' with those in your peer group.


• Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.


• Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.


• Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.


• Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.


• Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are, and what responses are appropriate for events in life.

Sure I can say that sometimes I don't feel I have the support I need at work or sometimes my family doesn't quite understand me. And lately I have been feeling overwhelmed at times because of some of the changes in my life. However, I move forward. These things don't stop me. I don't feel I am inadequate or that I am incapable of being loved. I do get to a point of frustration and sometimes think I won't find love. But do I really believe that? No, not at all. I do feel that life has thrown me a few curve balls and sometimes it feels like it's intentional. But I have to laugh at that. Intentional? By who? Besides, I always work through my challenges and get past them. And I'm not afraid to fail.

So, what is this feeling that is plaguing me in my relationship? Well... trust, "to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something; confident expectation of something; hope." or any of the following:

• Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.


• Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.


• Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.


• Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.


• The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.


• The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.


• The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.


• The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.


• Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.


• The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.

Still a bad thing, not any better than insecurity... maybe even worse. If this is the problem, how does this apply to my relationship?

On the positive side, I do open myself up and share my vulnerabilities and trust that they are secure. I also let my emotions be known although sometimes I don't always feel that my lover supports me in what I am going through. The biggest problems revolve around having little hope that the relationship will be long lasting and having a fear of dishonesty in the relationship.

Everyone always says, "Trust is something you earn," meaning over time a person trusts you more and more by being someone who is trustworthy. It is built upon. Early in the relationship I didn't have these feelings. If trust is built over time and the feelings were practically nonexistent in the beginning of my relationship, then when and how did they originate? There were two major incidents that occurred that I struggled with that seemed "out of place" and "not right". I confronted my lover both times. He assured me that they were nothing of value and not true. My heart told me to trust but my head told me that the answers were not good enough for closure. Now I am somewhat distrusting and it doesn't feel good. And it continues to create problems.

My first step, refute my irrational beliefs and replace them with new beliefs.

Irrational beliefs that I have:

• Negative sets of habitual responses we hold to when faced with stressful events or situations.


• Self-defeating ways of acting. On the surface they may look appropriate for the occasion, but actually they result in a neutral or negative consequence for us.


• Habitual ways of thinking, feeling, or acting that we think are effective; however, in the long run they are ineffectual.


• Counterproductive ways of thinking, which give comfort and security in the short run, but either do not resolve or actually exacerbate the problem in the long run.


• Negative or pessimistic ways of looking at necessary life experiences such as loss, conflict, risk taking, rejection, or accepting change.


• Patterns of thinking that make us appear to others as stubborn, bullheaded, intemperate, argumentative, or aloof.


• Means by which we become confused about the intentions of others when we are enmeshed in interpersonal problems with them.

Behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs I could have in order to develop trust:

• Hope in the goodness of mankind: Without such hope people can become emotionally stuck, reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not evil, bad, or ill-willed.


• Faith in the fairness of life: This faith in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief,'' that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually "get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway later in this life or in the next.


• Belief in a power greater than yourself: This is the acceptance of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience, whatever you will encounter in life. Rather than believing that you are 100% in control of your destiny, belief in this spiritual power enables you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you accept God's will in your life and enables you to let go of your distrust and isolation from others. If God is in control of the universe, you can lighten your load and let God do some of the leading in your life. "Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.


• A healing environment: This is the creating of a trust bond with the significant others in your personal life where blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode the participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues. The participants are then willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.


• Reduction of a sense of competition: This reducing of competition, jealousy, and defensiveness with significant others in your life is a way to reduce the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual trust.


• Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts: Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and the significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.


• Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become a real person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.


• Becoming vulnerable: This enables you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for who they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.


• Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.


• Self-acceptance: Accepting who you are and what your potential is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.

References: dictionary.com and coping.org

My Weekend Trip

My lover and I went on a trip for a few days. I had a really good time as usual. I caused problems a few times... again. I'm not totally sure why I become the "jealous girlfriend" sometimes. I really hate that so much. If I had to analyze my behavior surrounding it, I would attribute it to just being scared and uncertain of this relationship. I hope he realizes and understands that. And I feel I have every reason to feel that way considering this relationship is unorthodox in nature. This does not however warrant the behavior I have been exhibiting. It typically coincides with things that are frankly "coincidental" of all things and I don't have any reason to suspect him of being unfaithful to me. I have promised him I would stop getting jealous and learn to trust. Enough on this subject.

We had our own little Christmas and got each other gifts. He really liked what I got him. I'm so happy. He was so excited about them, it was so cute. We went to the mall and he bought me the most gorgeous heart necklace. It is my favorite piece of jewelry I own now. :) We sang Christmas songs, he's so funny. I love it when he sings, whether he's being funny or not. We also went out to eat a lot... and eat we did. We always eat well when we're traveling.

It's almost time to leave to head home. Message to him... "I had a really good time, I always do. I'm glad we could spend some time together for the holidays. I'm glad we are together. I love you, you are unique from anyone else I know... I am amazed by you, where you are, who you are... I'm proud of you, you inspire me. I'm glad I have a piece of your heart."

My Ultimate To-Do List

I'm reading, along with 3 other books, To-Do List by Sasha Cagen. The book is a collection of one hundred handwritten lists by real people of all ages and all walks of life about a variety of things "from buying milk to finding a soul mate". I am only a few chapters in and it has inspired me to create my own "Ultimate To-Do List" of sorts. I am a to-do lister by nature. There are at least two on my coffee table right at this moment as well as one that I found in my coat pocket. Typically my lists consist of things I need to buy at the grocery store or what I would like to accomplish for the week. I'm not sure why I have never made an Ultimate To-Do List before. After all, I have thought about the things I would like to do or have achieved in my lifetime but they were just thoughts in my head. Maybe I am afraid of failure, but I doubt that's it. So, here goes...

Weekly Horoscope

Okay, I'm not the type of person to take horoscopes super serious. But on occasion, especially when things look so hazy or uncertain to me, I like to look just to see what mine will say. When I do it seems like the are dead on like 90% of the time. I honestly don't know how the do that. Here's my love horoscope (from Astrology.com) for the past few days and the rest of the week and into next week...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
You can argue about this topic repeatedly, or you can resolve to let bygones be bygones. Frankly, working it over like a dog with a bone isn't yielding many results, so why not figure out a different approach?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Remember that old slogan, 'Make love, not war'? Yes, some emotions are running high, but the end result is up to you and your sweetheart. You can turn this into something positive and affectionate.

Thursday, November 29, 2007
Properly deployed, your charm is nothing short of lethal. In fact, your sweetheart might have a moment when they're a tad tongue-tied. If you know the right thing to say, go ahead and say it. They'll be grateful you did.

Friday, November 30, 2007
Putting yourself first might seem strange, but it's the greatest thing you could do for yourself (and your partner) right now. Learning to take care of your own needs builds a stronger relationship.

Saturday, December 1, 2007
Just take it easy and thing are going to work out fine. That's hard to see when you're so up close and personal to one of the details that it looks insurmountable. Try stepping away to see it as it truly is.

Sunday, December 2, 2007
You're ready to communicate, but your sweetie pie might be in a less-talk-more-action kind of mood. Whatever you do, don't force yourselves to be in sync. Just wait until the timing is right. You'll know when that is.

Monday, December 3, 2007
You and your lovebug know how to have a fantastic time in just about any circumstances, but when you're already in the middle of some extremely fun and flirty astral influences -- well, watch out!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Being convinced you always know best is an uncomfortable position to hold. It's time to get off that high horse before you get a cramp. Talk to your sweetie from your heart and you'll see a change in their reactions.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007
You know that with just a little more effort, you can get past this. Why not relax and accept where you are instead? Not only will you feel less tension, the pressure on your relationship will ease up as well. Phew!

Thursday, December 6, 2007
You feel as if you're in a double bind when it comes to this situation because you're deciding for two. The more you fight, the tighter the knots will become. Take a deep breath, trust yourself, then choose.

Friday, December 7, 2007
Now you can see with total clarity what the two of you need to do about the future. Your next task is to discuss the options with your sweetie. You know what the right thing to do is, and your arguments are stellar.

Saturday, December 8, 2007
Are you feeling uncertain about what to do next? Good! Certainty equals finality, and you're not ready to see the end of this situation yet. Toss around a few possibilities with your sweetie about what comes next.

Mediate - INXS

Hallucinate
Dessegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

Love your mate
Don't suffocate on your own hate
Designate your love as fate
A one world state
As human freight
The number eight
A white black state
A gentle trait
The broken crate
A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate
Now devastate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animal we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate

Fascinate
Deviate
Reinstate
Liberate
To moderate
Recreate
Or detonate
Annihiliate
Atomic fate

Mediate
Clear the state
Activate
Now radiate
A perfect state
Food on plate
Gravitate
The Earth's own weight
Designate your love as fate
At ninety-eight we all rotate

Hallucinate
Dessegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

Love your mate
Don't suffocate on your own hate
Designate your love as fate
A one world state
As human freight
The number eight
A white black state
A gentle trait
The broken crate

A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate

Now devastate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animals we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate
Fascinate
Deviate
Reinstate

Liberate
Liberate
Liberate
Liberate

The Hardest Thing

I feel like I just stabbed myself in the heart. The pain is so unbearable. I never knew a person could do this to oneself. I have had a lot of heartbreaks in my life but never that were self inflicted. I wanted so much to hold on, I tried to hold on. I have never loved like this before and now I have thrown it away. How the hell could I hold onto a 16 year marriage with someone I wasn't in love with yet throw a way a relationship with someone I am deeply in love with? I don't deserve to love anyone. I don't believe I was meant to be in love. My deepest fear...

Think Positive

I am so tired of feeling so negative and overwhelmed. It's really not in my true nature and I've been letting it get the better of me. I need to find my way back to my fun loving, relaxed, easy going nature that everyone loves and is quite honestly easier for me.

The Sea of Impossiblity and Uncertainty

For the past week I have felt like I am swimming in a sea of impossibilities... like I have no control over my life and where I am going. How can it be that some aspects of my life are so incredibly perfect and other aspects are so incredibly hopeless and uncertain? Some days I feel like the sea is consuming me, the waves crashing over my head as I struggle to stay afloat and catch my breath. But, I am a strong person and I refuse to be a victim. I won't be. This is just a phase in my life that is meant for me to learn and grow and prevail over.

I have no idea how to get through my divorce. The whole process is going painfully slow. I'm scared. I try so hard to make sure that everyone and everything is taken care of. I worry that the house will not sell and it will affect my finances or that I will be paying the mortgage for so long and it will prevent me from doing what I want to do. I worry that my son is at a vulnerable age and will not have positive influences living with his dad. I want so badly to move on and start thinking about my future and the future of my children. But I feel like I have little control over the progress. On the upside, I did make a decision to change my life. I knew I was not happy where I was and that I never would be. I identified it and was not going to continue on that path. That makes me strong and shows that I care about myself and won't settle for anything less than to be happy.

I feel overwhelmed at work. While I have a lot of support from my peers in making necessary changes to improve overall performance of my team's productivity, I feel like it is always a struggle and that there are certain people sabotaging my efforts. My department is expected to perform, but on occasion we have no cooperation from other departments. I don't believe this is intentional for the most part, at least not by everyone. I feel there is a breakdown in communication and it feels like a power struggle. Which is totally ridiculous because we should all have a common goal. I love my job, I love my work. I worked hard to get where I am. I am very successful and I will continue to be.

My social life is not what I would like it to be. I don't know what I am expecting. Sometimes I sit at home doing nothing. Sometimes I hang with my daughter and her friends, which is fun and I enjoy it, but I need friends my own age. Sometimes I do things with my co-workers that I consider my friends. But they are far away and also cause friction in my relationship. I am happy to have the opportunity to have people in my life who care about me. I want to be able to nurture these relationships and allow more in my life.

My love relationship is beautiful, loving and deep. I have never known anyone like him. I love him and need him. But the relationship will not survive. How can I be certain? He told me. He says he will never hurt me or leave me but I will never be his one and only... ever. I'm glad that he is honest with me, but I hate being reminded of it. It hurts. Maybe I am unrealistic and want too much. I never had any expectations beyond what is in front of me. I only asked to be loved. And he does love me. But I wish I knew what he wanted of me, what he expects of me. Is his ideal that he would continue with his marriage and have me as a lover on the side for the rest of his life? I don't believe he is happy. I wish I knew for sure. I wish I knew what he was going through, what he is feeling. I will love unconditionally. I will never stop loving him. I don't know how a person can love someone and always be content with a relationship that is not allowed to grow past current situations and I am not allowed to look past the present. If I do, I get sad, I start feeling and I hurt him in the process. It hurts me knowing that if I think about wanting to be with him it hurts him and makes him feel guilty and inadequate. In order to be truly happy a person has to have both present pleasure and future benefit. I feel hopeless and that I will lose in the end. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't love so much. That I should just enjoy this current relationship as if it were a fling. I wonder that looking at it that way might make him happy. In the present, this relationship is awesome. I love everything about him, about us, and I am enjoying this sweet affair. I will not let my hopelessness affect my relationship and will do everything I can to nurture it and make it grow regardless of the outcome.

I fear that by exploiting some of these feelings there will be a negative affect. I write these things in my blog because it is therapeutic for me. It gives me an outlet and allows me to be okay with what I am about and what I am feeling and going through. I want to trust that everything will work out. Sometimes it seems like I have so much working against me. It has always felt that way in my life. Like everything I go through is a challenge.

While I feel like I am sinking at times, I wouldn't do anything different and I would welcome all of it all over again. I am unique in my experiences and that's what makes me beautiful as a person. My challenges are my own. I manage through all that is put in front of me and I always overcome. At times I feel overwhelmed and hopeless, but don't feel sorry for me or underestimate me... watch out for me because I am amazing.

The Holidays

I love the holidays... spending time with loved ones, relaxing, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of our busy lives. My first thought of the very fast approaching holidays this year made me very sad. The changes in my life make it seem as though I can't be happy and do the things I love so much about the holiday season. Change can be very overwhelming and scary and holiday's are full of tradition and family and memories. I am going to do my best at making the most of them and not feel all alone.

Thanksgiving Plans:
1. Make Thanksgiving dinner for me and the kids.
2. Call my Mom.
3. Watch the Macy's parade.
4. Watch football.
5. Play Christmas music.
6. Decorate the cabin for Christmas.
7. Go shopping and buy toys for the Toys for Tots collection box.

Christmas Plans:
No plans yet. I may take a trip down to see my mom. I am also considering just taking a trip somewhere... anywhere. I don't know if I want to or can stay home. Now I am sad again. I can't wait until I stop feeling this way.

Lover

Lover, you touched me so deeply. I found so much in you, more than can be put into mere words. I have never in my entire existence had such intense feelings for someone. I fear I will never feel again, I will be dead... heartbroken and lonely. I wish I could touch you the way you touched me.

Lover, thank you for the journey. I will keep it close to my heart. You showed me heaven. I didn't know it could be so beautiful. Thank you for loving me.

Lover, I'm so close to the depths of hopelessness. I know you know. I always closed my eyes to the fact that we wouldn't be together. I convinced myself it wasn't true. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. I wish I could be strong for you, I'm so weak.

Lover, I wish you could see me when I dance and sing. Our minute in time has not afforded us such insight. I have such wonderful spirit. I have so much passion in my heart. I hope I can keep them.

Lover, I feel like I am not allowed to love... find love... be loved. It's not fair. I'm so desperate. I want to have a positive outlook, but my rainbow is fading. I don't know that it will return to me. I'm trying so hard to hold on.

Lover, it's so hard to say goodbye. I don't know that I can. Sometimes I wish you would just let me go. The pain would be so unbearable, but I know that we will both persevere. I know that we both have been through so much before knowing each other and we can overcome anything. It was what we were born to do.

Elton John - Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, shake it loose together
The spotlight's hitting something
That's been known to change the weather
We'll kill the fatted calf tonight
So stick around
You're gonna hear electric music
Solid walls of sound

Say, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet
But they're so spaced out, Bennie and the Jets
Oh but they're weird and they're wonderful
Oh Bennie she's really keen
She's got electric boots a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazine
Bennie and the Jets

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they're blinded
But Bennie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
Where we fight our parents out in the streets
To find who's right and who's wrong

Letting Go of the Resentment

My younger sister is in town and we decided to go out for dinner for her birthday Friday night. I asked my daughter if she would like to go too and we headed downtown for the restaurant. When we arrived I noticed that my step-brother and his wife and my niece were there. I hadn't realized that anyone else was going to be there. My sister arrived shortly after, as well as my dad. I sat next to my daughter and my brother. We all started talking and my sister was filling us in on her new life in a new state where she had moved. My brother was giving my dad a hard time, joking about how he had run into him a few days earlier and my dad was talking about my sister and had gotten all teary-eyed because he missed her. We were all carrying on several different conversations at the table and my brother and my dad continued to talk and started talking about cars. When they were finished I leaned over to my brother and I told him that I admired him for being able to let go of all of the resentment he had for my dad. He and my dad never had a very good relationship when we were younger. I admired that because I still hold onto so much. He, my other brother and I were all very close in age, within 1 year of each other and had all gone through much of the same thing in our home life. My brother said to me that he had realized that maybe he wasn't such a great kid and that it must have been hard as a parent (my dad) to have to put up with it. I honestly couldn't believe he had said that. I never particularly thought that my brother was a bad kid. However, if he was at peace with what he had been through then that was his way of healing. I told him that I was still "working it out".

I mentioned in my last post that one of my most happiest moments in my life was when I had emancipated myself. I thought about that very subject and realized I was mistaken. There were two people involved in my emancipation, me and my dad.

My dad, who adopted me and my step-mom where alcoholics. My dad worked a full-time job to provide for us five kids. There were three of us older kids, me and my brother and my step-brother, and two younger kids, brother and sister that belonged to both my dad and my step-mom. The younger kids were just babies, my brother is 8 years younger than me and my sister is 10 years younger than me. My dad and step-mom would spend most of their free time at the bar while we were left at home expected to take care of the house and the babies. The house was always filthy and piled with junk everywhere. We had very little food in the house. Usually, we had a couple of cans of commodity meat that we had gotten from the pantry and a few other odds and ends like powdered milk, powdered eggs and commodity cheese. My dad worked on cars and had a garage. He liked to collect a lot of things in the yard including cars, car parts, and a lot of other junk. It was embarrassing. My mom and dad would keep us older kids busy telling us to pick up the yard, go cut wood, clean up the house, etc. We weren't allowed to go anywhere. We basically just moved piles of junk, pulled nails out of wood, hauled wood, worked on cars, took care of our little brother and sister, and that's about it. My mom and dad would buy things for the little ones while we went without. Once, I needed a winter coat because I didn't have one and I told my mom and she wouldn't buy me one. They thought it was more important to spend hours and all their money at the bar. I never told anyone this before, but once my dad came home from the bar and was hugging me and tried to kiss me. And not in the dad-daughter kind of way. Nothing happened, but it was traumatic nonetheless. My dad was also very physical. I had already been through being physically abused as much as one could be physically abused when I had lived with my mom and her boyfriend in Detroit. My dad wasn't nearly as bad, but he wouldn't think twice to haul off and knock you down on your ass and spank you. Most of the abuse in this environment was mental. We were just little kids.... we just wanted to be able to do kid things. It would have been a little more acceptable, but we were also seeing the special treatment that our younger siblings were receiving. We longed for that attention, that love.

When I was 17, I started babysitting the neighbor's daughters. I became very close to the family and would be invited over on occasion to watch movies or have dinner. They knew I did not have a good healthy, happy home-life. They encouraged me to become a legal adult and emancipate myself. They offered me to live with them.

A few of my friends from school came to my house one day when my mom and dad were gone. We quickly loaded up my friend's truck with all my belongings and I left my emancipation papers on the refrigerator for my dad to sign. I didn't talk to my mom or dad, and had very little contact with my siblings for almost 2 years after that day.

Until just the other night when I talked to my brother, I had never before thought about how my dad must have felt when he found the emancipation papers on the fridge. I know my dad loves me. I don't know why we had to go through what we went through, maybe it doesn't matter anymore. I am a strong person having done and seen what I have. One of the happiest days in my life was probably one of the saddest days for my dad.

When my daughter and I got up to leave from dinner I walked over to my sister who was sitting by my dad. I gave her a hug and told her happy birthday. My dad looked at me and I looked at him and rubbed his shoulder. He looked a little sad.

Happiness

"Time In: Think back to a period or two in your life when you enjoyed both present and future benefit." (from the book Happier)

Hands down, the birth of my two children were the happiest days of my life. I had created life and was given a great opportunity to nurture it. It would be an unconditional love that would last a lifetime. Being a mother is not something I take lightly. I would be able to provide the love and care I felt I had not been allowed to know. I love to watch them grow and become unique individuals and I absolutely adore them. ...I just called and talked to my kids and told them I love them.

Another time I felt truly happy and had felt both present and future benefit was when I was 17 when I had emancipated myself. I had been so sheltered and sad and felt so unloved by my family that it was a new freedom, a new chance for me.

I also feel both present and future benefit in my current situation. While it is an emotional time for me where I am both happy at times and sad at times, I will overcome and heal and find peace and happiness.

Things I am grateful for: my children, freedom, life, opportunity

Nihilism

"Time In: Think back to a time -- a single experience or a longer period -- when you felt nihilistic, unable to see beyond your current unhappiness. Had you been looking at the situation from the outside, what advice would you have given yourself?" (from the book Happier)

I struggled throughout my pre-teen and teenage years with self-esteem and self-worth. I wondered why I was born, what was the point, nobody wanted me or cared about me. I had contemplated suicide a couple of times, feeling so hopeless. I felt that the people I had confided in had failed me over and over again... teachers, counselors, my church, my neighbors, my friends, my family, everybody. What got me through was that I had come to the conclusion that while they had failed me, I could not fail myself. It was, "I don't need them. I'll show them." And I have maintained that mentality ever since. I have known for sometime, however, that I need to let all of that resentment go.

Just recently, some of these feelings had returned. I was feeling so helpless and hopeless. The changes I have been going through has left me feeling lonely and weak at times. Sometimes I am overwhelmed. While the feelings are similar to what I had felt when I was younger, I was questioning whether I had failed myself this time. I know that sometimes I can be strong and sometimes I need help to be strong. I think deep down I always wanted both... strength in myself and to be loved. I wish I could understand why sometimes I feel I am in this alone, because I know I'm not. I want so bad to heal my heart.

---

Coincidentally, today's horoscope...

Daily Overview:
Let go of any grudges you've been holding -- move forward, and you'll be happy.

Daily Extended:
If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.

---

Things I am grateful for: rainbows, the words "I love you.", being loved, life

Hedonism

"Time In: Think back to a time -- a single experience or a longer period -- when you lived as a hedonist. What were the costs and benefits of living this way?" (from the book Happier)

This one is a bit harder for me to answer because I don't completely understand why someone wouldn't want pleasure with very little pain. I suppose that if one were to sacrifice experiences because they don't give a quick pleasurable payoff then this wouldn't be an ideal way to live life. While I would rather have good, pleasurable experiences I understand the benefits of painful experiences and what can be learned from them. Probably earlier in my young adulthood I would say I lived a more hedonistic life style than I do now. After emancipating myself when I was 17, I found that my freedom allowed me to do whatever I wanted and to have fun. I was partying with my friends every chance I got and slept with many men against my better judgement. I was getting pleasure out of being accepted by the people I partied with. The cost of living this way was I was sick, broke, and wasting my life away. I was extremely malnourished because I had no money and was living a life style of getting up in the morning and finding the next party.

Things I am grateful for: freedom, friends, my cabin, my life

Rat Race

"Time In: Do you, at times, feel part of the rate race? Looking at your life from the outside, what advice would you give yourself?" (from the book Happier)

I guess once in awhile I do feel like I am part of the rat race. But mostly, I feel like I am the creator of my own direction and goals. While the fast-paced world of today can at times be overwhelming, I make a conscious effort to not allow it to drive me. The advice I would give to myself would be to not lose sight of who I am, I can always do whatever I put my mind to, and that while dreams are attainable it is perfectly fine to have failures.

Things I am grateful for: my kids, my lover, my free spirit, my career, my health

Bumper Sticker:

Just the other day I realized that I have never owned a bumper sticker in my life. I thought it would be fun to post bumper stickers in my posts that either reflect who I am, how I'm feeling that day, or just to have fun. Here's my first one...

The Meaning of Happiness

"Time In: How would you define happiness? What does happiness mean to you?" (from the book Happier by Tal-Ben Shahar, Ph.D.)

When I first read these questions I thought, "Oh, that's pretty easy." After thinking about it for a few minutes I thought, "Hmmmm... maybe not." So I contemplated these two questions for a few days before coming up with my answers.

I think happiness is all-encompassing of all the good things in one's life, including inner peace and fulfillment. I believe happiness can be delivered in several emotions from a warm and fuzzy relaxed state to a feeling of excitement. I don't believe that any one person can be completely happy all the time because sad moments in life is inevitable. However, I do believe that a happier person can recover from these times quicker and at peace with these moments.

Can you learn to be happy?

I've been reading this book called Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. It's sort of a self-help book using the principles of positive psychology along with scientific studies and spiritual enlightenment. He gives you a basic set of principles you can apply to your daily life in order for one to feel more fulfilled and connected.

In the book, he includes what he calls "Time Ins" as opposed to "Time Outs" in which you stop and take time to reflect on what you read and to look inside yourself answering the questions or performing the exercises he provides. I'm going to use my blog as a way to log these Time Ins and add or reference them later.

I've arrived at my first Time In in the book which reads... "Reflect on a couple of personal experiences where reaching a certain milestone did not bring you the emotional payoff you expected." The lead-in to this exercise was a story about how he had desired to win the Israeli national squash championship and how he thought it would alleviate an emptiness he had felt. At first he was so happy and fulfilled that he had won the title but shortly thereafter was very down and his emptiness returned.

I could answer this in a few different ways. The first thing that comes to mind is that while I do have things that I look forward to that I think will make me happy, I don't think they will make me happy indefinitely. In other words, I know it is a temporary fulfillment and I don't have expectations that it will make me happy forever. Specifically as an example, when I was younger I would look forward to going to stay with my cousins at their house. I was so happy to be able to go and I would have a lot of fun. But when I had to go home I would feel so down. Now that I am older and more mature, the let downs I feel after a happy moment in my life doesn't seem to be as severe. However, I have thought about this particular subject on several occasions and I do know that instead of allowing my time leading up to my moment to be happy and exciting, I really need to savor in the moment more and allow myself to look back on these times and reminisce and savor it all over again. Another example and much more complex is what I happen to be going through at this time in my life. I have left a broken marriage and while I have the world in the palm of my hands, I feel so down and empty. Which is why I'm reading this book. :)

A Little Database / Programming Humor

More at http://xkcd.com/327/

(xkcd: A Webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language.)

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

Will you count me in?

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just........ mmmmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go....
Always know.... cause you make me smile
Even just for awhile

New Look

After over a week of planning and lots of work, I finally finished customizing my blog layout. It was very tricky to allow for cross-browser compatibility... but I finally got it. I'm really happy with how it turned out.

I'm so glad for the work week to be over. While I was very productive, the week seemed to drag on so long. I'm not sure what I'm going to do this weekend, but I do feel a bit ambitious. I'm thinking I might call an old friend of mine to see what she is up to. There's something I've been dying to tell her for years, but I can't.

I think my daughter is testing me. She got mad at me on the phone the other day and since then it seems as if she is testing my parenting skills.

A lot of people have been really irritating the hell out of me this week. If I hear one more person complain or tell me how terrible they have it, I'm going to drop kick them... I swear.

:) That was funny.

I'm So Sad...

I feel like a part of me died today... :(

Political Propaganda and the Affects on the Ignorant American

What the hell is going on this country? Why are people so quick to jump on the patriotic bandwagon? Ugh, I'm so disgusted I can't write this until I gather my thoughts.... I'll be back.

Busy Day and Deadlines Nearing

Today was a pretty busy day as usual. Work went relatively smoothly and quick. The pressure to finalize some big projects is getting a bit overwhelming. But my team and I are strong and focused and putting in an extra effort to try and complete on time. We are getting really close.

There are several misconceptions in our office about our department which I felt were really being pushed hard during a meeting we had today. In two instances it was implied that I was holding up projects. I asked for clarification and in both instances proved that was not the case. On top of that, it was implied that we are simply "not doing anything". That's just a bunch of crap and those that think that don't have a clue about the complexity of these projects. Finally, everyone always looks to me to work on things because no one else can apparently do them or know how to. This seems to be the norm and I would embrace this more if it weren't for the other two misconceptions. The truth of the matter is, they don't put in an effort and instead take the easy road of "I can't do it". I really dread going into these meetings these days because it sorta feels like an interrogation. I'm finding myself going in with a negative attitude and getting really short with my co-workers. I need to figure out how to change this around and have it work to my advantage. On an up note, I had a talk with my boss a week or so ago about our department and the overall morale of the entire office, telling him how important it is not to reinforce the negativity. He told me today that it will get better. : )

I've been thinking lately about how to cleanse myself of some of the negative energy I've been holding onto these days. The majority of it I know is self induced as well as what I allow to come in. I would like to explore some options on how to achieve this, possibly meditation. I need a way to release all that I hold onto and start focusing more on the positive things in my life, which there are plenty of. I'm typically a positive person, but lately have been holding on to the negative things longer than usual.

It's All Good

I know it's cliche, but I changed my profile pic to a butterfly. I really didn't like the other pic I was using. It was my best attempt at being creative while trying to disguise my real identity. Oh well...

On a final note, I'm going to try and start writing in my blog more. I have been through a lot over the past 6 months and I finally feel I am getting somewhere... I am going to be okay, and I have a new excitement about my life and where I'm headed. Grooviness!

Speaking of progress...

Quiet Time... Time for Reflection and Moving On

It's been so long since I have written in my blog. I have made a lot of progress since my last post. I am now out on my own and taking care of things. Things are going pretty good for me. It has been very quiet, and sometimes lonely in my new environment. But I am enjoying it and a huge weight has been lifted. However, there is still much more to be done and I will work on them one at a time.

Hollow

I feel so empty and alone. Why am I letting this all get to me? I am usually such a strong person but the weight I'm bearing is really dragging me down. I need to find my way back up. There is so much work to be done. I have to keep in mind once I get things straightened out I will be much better off and I can come out on top.

In a Rut

Today I realized I hadn't posted in my blog in awhile. Once I got here I noticed that I am feeling exactly the same as my last post. And here it is two weeks later. Actually, now I feel worse. Big sigh...

Overwhelmed, Lonely and Displaced

I'm feeling homesick today. Not in the traditional sense of the word, but more like a displaced person. I have moved in with a friend and coworker recently which is closer to my work but further from my family and lover. She has been very supportive and hospitable to me, and it means a lot to me that she offered to take me in. On the other hand, I am feeling very overwhelmed at the upcoming decisions I will need to make. I have no plan. I know I will probably have to get a place of my own. But where and how will I finance it? At times I feel liberated from my husband and marriage but I feel all alone missing my kids and lover. I feel like I'm in limbo and I'm a little scared of the uncertainty of where I will be and who will be by my side when I get there.

Update On My Friend Barb

Heart in excellent condition
No Blood Clots
7 hour surgery on Monday
Under anesthesia over night
On life support next day still at 3:00
Surgery went very well
They got all the cancer
Liver was not affected
Barb did very well in surgery – very strong
They are freezing the kidney for research
Freezing the cancer so they know what type
Barb is doing great
Off the ventilator
Recognized family right away
They thought her mind might take awhile to come back
Mind is sharp as a tack
Still Joking with family
Barb has great attitude

YAY!!!!!

A New Day

Despite the lack of sleep I received last night, I am feeling refreshed with a new energy about me today. I have no idea what to attribute it to and I don't really care. I'm just feeling really good right now.

That's all I have for now... I'll leave you with some cool tunes:

Paulo Nutini - Last Request

Daft Punk Girl

My "Girl" Friend and Co-Worker, Please Get Well Soon

My co-worker Barb, whom I affectionately call "Girl Friend", was recently diagnosed with a cancerous tumor that has taken over one of her kidneys and has started to make its way up a vein toward her heart. :( She is scheduled for surgery on Monday. She is a really sweet, fun person and I hope she gets through the procedure and recovers quickly. My heart goes out to her and her family. Everyone is sending positive healing energy and will be hoping for her quick return back home.

Thank You Lover

Thank you for sharing insight into your life with me. I know it's a rare glimpse into your past secrets and tribulations that you didn't necessarily have to share.

I don't know for sure where you are with your rehabilitation since your self-destructive use of drugs and alcohol along with your promiscuous activities with women were obviously a cover-up for more deep rooted issues and insecurities. I know your vulnerabilities are still present at times and you deal with them the best you can.

I think we have a lot of similarities. You didn't know your real father. I didn't know my real father and I had not met my real mother until I was a teenager. We both felt a sense of abandonment. You escaped your home life by joining the Army when you were 17. I emancipated myself when I was 17. Both of us had been looking for acceptance and chose paths that were self-destructive. Your turmoils manifested themselves in slightly different ways than mine and yours was definitely a longer, harder road than mine. Regardless, I feel there's a connection between us.

You should know that allowing me to know these things about you definitely raises some concerns. However, you should also know that I will do my best to be understanding and be your friend, as well as your lover. I love you for who you are. And, I am getting a lot out of this sweet romantic affair. I am learning a lot about myself and you are in my life giving of yourself. That means so much to me.

I want to learn more about you. When you let me in, I feel closer to you. You teach me so much. I want so bad not to be like the other women who have hurt you. I want you to trust me and love me.

I just wanted to say thank you for not being afraid to show me who you are. I love you baby.

Happily Ever After? Fairytales Are For Children

It's been awhile since I've written in my blog and a lot has transpired in the past couple of weeks. After confronting my husband about the problems with our marriage, I had moved into our camper in the backyard. In an effort to save the marriage my husband has made a complete 180, including giving up drugs and partying and has significantly cut back on his drinking. He had one setback already and only time will tell if he has the strength to do it himself or if he will need help. I am proud of him for his efforts and I hope that even if we do not end up reconciling our differences that he continues the positive changes. I have decided that I will move back into the house this coming weekend. I still have concerns about our relationship because I don't believe in my heart that I will ever fall in love with him and we will always remain just friends. I have come to the conclusion that at this point in my life I really don't have anything to lose. And after listening to him, neither does he. I plan to continue my relationship with my lover. Ironically, I feel it is one of the only things keeping me in my marriage. In my ideal world, I would live happily with my friend and lover. Whether that person is my husband, my lover, or someone truly meant for me it's just not doable at this point in my life. My children weighed heavily on my decision as well.

This Is Me...

I am smart. I don't always make the right decisions, but I'm not rash and always think before doing.

I am dumb. Sometimes I can be gullible and take people for their word.

I am strong. I stand up for myself and others when they need help.

I am weak. Sometimes I don't let myself believe I deserve something or that I'm making something more than it needs to be. Sometimes I settle.

I am well spoken. I stick to the facts. I hate wasting time and prefer to get to the point, be concise and do so as eloquently as possible.

I am incomprehensible. Sometimes I have a hard time finding the right words and end up tongue-tied and misunderstood.

I am seen. People enjoy my company and I am respected by my peers.

I am overlooked. Sometimes people take me for granted and don't truly listen to what I'm saying.

I am honest. I tell the truth almost all of the time. I very rarely lie and if I do, there is more than likely some truth.

I am dishonest. On very rare occasions.

I am loved. I am well liked and cared for. I am easy going and fun loving. To the best of my knowledge, I have no enemies.

I am all alone. There isn't anyone that truly knows everything inside my head and heart except me. Sometimes my struggles are all my own.

I am not perfect. I try to be the best person I can be. I don't dwell on my mistakes. I know the only thing possible is to learn from them and grow as a person. I have a lot of growing to do. I don't like to think about it too much, but sometimes that scares me. I'm scared to make mistakes. Sometimes I want to be selfish and never settle. I'm afraid I will hurt people I love along the way. I don't want to be all alone, ever. I don't want to ever feel like I am. I could analyze myself for hours and still know that I can only be who I am and that I will be okay.

Phenomenal Woman (Poem by Maya Angelou)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to …

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a youth she’s content to leave behind…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
re-telling it in her old age…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
one friend who always makes her laugh
and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a good piece of furniture not previously owned
by anyone else in her family

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal.
that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a feeling of control over her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
when to try harder..
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect… but it’s over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would or wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming Inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can’t accomplish in a day…
a month… or a year…

The Confrontation, The Present Moment, and The Uncertain Future

I finally confronted my husband. I told him that I have been lonely and sad for several years. I told him he was selfish, partied too much, and I wasn't in love with him. The past few days have been extremely exhausting and emotional. He has so much to learn about life and I don't think I can wait around for him to get up-to-speed. I care about him a lot, but we have grown so much apart and I don't believe we are compatible souls. He is not an affectionate person and he said he doesn't think he can be. I crave that so much. And, I would have to be in love with him in order to accept his affection. He is willing to stop drinking and partying and doing drugs and said he would do that to save the marriage. That is a lot of pressure on me. I'm so happy for him that he wants to make a life change. But that pressure and the fact that I'm not in love with him honestly scares the hell out of me. He is just not getting it.

Last night when I got home from work, he and my daughter basically ganged up on me and were telling me that I should have told him that I didn't like the way things were and that I should have been firmer. They kept placing the blame all on me. It's, "Look what you're doing to us." and "Why didn't you say something?" and "Why did you wait so long?". First off, "Look at what I have been going through for several years." It was no surprise to anyone that I was unhappy. Second, what part of "You drink too much.", "You should quit smoking pot.", "You're being an asshole." didn't he understand? Not to mention I have cried myself to sleep and he knew it! And finally, I am NOT taking the blame for not trying hard enough or waiting too long. That is just fucking ridiculous.

I told him I wanted a separation. Apparently, nobody knew what that meant and assumed it meant I want a divorce and I'm leaving all of you. What I need is time away from my husband. I don't need the pressures of "I'm changing all for you, baby.", "I love you. Don't you love me?", "Why don't you stay in the house with your family?", "Why aren't you trying?". Oh my god, enough!

I need to go seek legal counsel this Friday. I need someone to listen and offer guidance. As it is, I feel I am all alone in this. Even though I know I have a lot of support from friends and coworkers, it still feels very lonely and scary.

Overkill by Colin Hay

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

Today's Thoughts: A Little Bit of Everything

I've lost 46 pounds since I started my workout regimen and I'm down two sizes. I'm in between the next size down. I work out anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes on the treadmill every morning before work, four days a week. It has given me somewhat of a new confidence, although I've always considered myself a confident person. I've also been adapting healthier eating habits, choosing lower fat and sugar selections when possible. I don't deprive myself of something I want, I just make better choices for my major meals and eat less portions. It's working out very well for me.

I'm trying to motivate myself at work. I love my job, but I got a little burned out after the last trade show we attended. We are having a department head/development strategies meeting this week and I'm hoping for a good outcome.

My husband is an asshole. Unless it has something to do with rock and roll, beer or drugs, he doesn't care. I'm so sick of his shit.

My kids are great! I have no complaints. I have a tendency to worry a bit about how they were raised because I opted not to use any of the parenting skills my parents used. More and more everyday, I realize that I am raising smart, caring, open-minded, confident young individuals who will do very well in the world.

In almost every post I talk about my lover. Our relationship is growing strong. He's very dear to me and I enjoy every moment we talk and are together. He has been a huge impact in my life and I love him. I could go on and on.

It's nice to have good friends, family and loved ones and be surrounded by such positive energy. It has been a long time since I felt so good from outside sources. Now I just need to deal with the only negative energy in my life. For now, he's not really an interruption, more of an annoyance. I'm sure it will come to a head.

I want to end on a positive note, so... overall I'm feeling really good about where I'm at in life. I've always made my own direction and have not veered off path very often. I know I can overcome anything that's put in front of me. And I like to be a positive force in the lives of the people who I care about.

New Tat & Missing My Sweet Lover

Wow, I haven't written in almost a week. Not too much is going on. A few exciting things. I stayed with my lover on Thursday. Mmmm, I love him so much. He is so great. I wish I could see him more.

My daughter and I went and got our tattoos yesterday. I'm really happy with how mine turned out. It's really awesome and I love it. I ended up getting it in the middle of my lower back. I was worried at first that it might look trashy. But I don't care what other people think, I like it. Plus with the location I was going to get it, there was a possibility that the skin would be loose because I'm losing weight. Here's the design I got.


I've been so tired lately. I keep trying to take naps, but someone usually wakes me up. And when I'm not woken up, I usually don't get any quality sleep. I'm going to start taking my multivitamins in the morning to see if that helps any.

I don't know how to show my lover he can trust me. I tell him everything. And sometimes it ends up with us in an argument and him feeling upset. I don't want to make him upset. I am trying to be understanding and love him the best I can. I don't know what else I can do. If I could truly be with him I would. I don't know if he feels the same way. I don't push the subject and won't. I take the love that he gives me. I'm so head over heels for him and want to continue this sweet, passionate relationship we have. I miss him when we are not together and think about him a lot. I wish he knew that I really do value our friendship, love him so much, and there isn't anyone that could replace him.

Update... I just chatted with my lover. I have nothing to worry about. I will love him no matter what. Unless something changes, I know we will be so good for each other and enjoy our secret love.

Let the Sun Shine

It was a really nice day today, warm and sunny. My daughter and I cleaned out our cars and washed them. My son cooked hot dogs and sausages on the grill for us. Then my daughter and I decided to take go for a ride around town. We went out to the river and hung out for awhile watching the people who came down in their canoes and kayaks. There were a lot of people on the river today. It was such a gorgeous day.

I'm getting a tattoo next weekend. I'm getting really excited about it. It will be the first one I ever got. My daughter is going with me, she wants one too. I don't know if I will let her yet. She wants something small, a peace sign. I can't wait to show my lover my new tattoo.

Tomorrow I need to call around to find out if there are any physicians in my area that will perform the Selective Tubal Occlusion Procedure (STOP). It's a permanent contraceptive device for women. It's non-surgical and an outpatient procedure that takes between 15-30 minutes. It's fairly new so I'm not sure if there's anyone in my area that is able to perform the procedure.

And, back to work tomorrow. It will be a short work week, three days, so that will be awesome.

Out On The Town

I anticipated that my 4 day weekend over Memorial day was going to be boring as usual. However, I have been keeping very busy and having a lot of fun.

Last night my daughter, her friend and her mom went to a pre-release music concert. It was a unique interpretive (artsy) series of performances. My daughter's friend's mom is dating one of the members of the band that played and we all decided to go out for dinner after the concert along with the composer and one of the sound crew. It was pretty late and we weren't sure on the location of where we were supposed to meet up. We drove around for about half an hour trying to find the location of the restaurant. We ended up heading towards where my lover lives and it made me smile. We realized we were going the wrong way, turned around and finally found the place.

We arrived, sat down and ordered our dinners. The guys met up with us shortly after. During dinner I spotted a couple a few tables over cuddling and kissing. It was so sweet and it made me smile and think about my lover. We ended up getting home pretty late so I went straight to bed when I got home.

I purchased tickets for all of us, plus my son to go to the IMAX theater to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 for today, so we left this morning and drove down state. It's about 3 hours to the theater. We stopped at a couple of garage sales on the way and stopped to have lunch. We stopped at KFC and my daughter ordered a Colonel Sander's Fun Pack. It was really funny because there is no such thing and it was funny watching the cashier trying to find it on his computer. He thought it was funny too. It was a really fun road trip. The movie ended up not actually being shown inside the IMAX theater but in the adjoining theater which was shown on a DLP screen. It was still really awesome and the movie was really good.

I've been having a good time this weekend and I thought about my lover a lot. On our way down state we passed the hotel where my lover and I stay often. We also drove passed the city he was staying for the weekend and the city he grew up in. The theater was in the city he goes to school. I thought about my lover almost every second of the day. When I'm not with him, I think about him a lot and the times we have together. I love daydreaming about my lover. It makes me happy and it also makes my heart ache to be with him. He's so much fun, he's so sexy and makes me feel sexy, he's sweet and loving. I love being with him and I'm so in love with him.

The Art of Eroticism & Adoration

A glimpse, a smile, a wink
A tender brush against your cheek
Warm touches and affectionate caresses
A deep extended embrace

Lips pressed against each other's
A sensual pause and a complete understanding
A rush of emotion and excitement
A breathy whisper in your ear

Hot steamy sensuous kisses
Lust and longing, a mutual desire
Pulses racing, heart pounding
The way you look into each other's eyes

Eager and hungry, complete abandon
Seductive and passionate love making
A gasp of sweet surrender
The natural beauty of it all

A favorite song sung to you
Sharing thoughts and fears, growing together
Being with the one you love, contentment
A sweet goodbye kiss

A lover you want to keep forever

Love Junkie: A Short Narrative

Once, an angel looked down on an innocent young babe, smiling, whispering to the girl how sorry she was to have left so suddenly, quietly in the night.

Promises of a new beginning, a new love, a new caring came and went over and over. The young girl aspired to feel and know feeling, but endured many disappointments. Still not wavering, she was determined to ascertain affection and love, moving blindly and reckless as she went.

He came into her life, her first love. He was fun and loving and devoted, everything she longed for. He took the girl for a ride in the country where he professed his love for another girl. She was heart broken and drained.

Time after time the girl was ignorant and naive and fell short in her endeavors. New hopes, new yearnings, new loves came upon her without warning. She perpetually accepted them without concern, hoping and having faith that things would be different each time.

He came into her life, a friend, although shy he offered her kindness. He brought comfort and family, something she didn't know. He eventually took her love for granted and became selfish and unloving. She never knew affection from him. Love was lost once more for the girl.

He came into her life really fast, no hesitations, taking her breath. He gave promise to a new excitement and sensuality. She was headed for heart break once again, realizing she had lost her way and let intentions grow to deep.

She is out of breath, running low on hope and energy, feeling so alone and helpless. She realizes how easy it is to be liked and how hard it is to be loved. The girl knows she is a hopeless love junkie.

History Repeats Itself

Well, all I can say is that I can't believe I can be so stupid. But I shall go on... learning... trying to get it right.

TGIF?

I went to see my lover twice yesterday, once in the afternoon and once late in the evening. Sometimes I feel bad that I consume some of his time because he has such a grueling schedule right now with work, home, family and his classes. But I get the impression that he does want to spend time with me. So I'm going to be selfish and take it.

The time together was sweet, playful and passionate. I love that. It felt unrushed and affectionate, I enjoyed it so much. For the first time since we have been seeing each other it felt like he was my boyfriend. Which, I guess he sorta is. It just never really felt like that before and I didn't really think about it until last night. I am looking forward to this relationship to develop further and share more with him.

I ended up getting home in the early morning and I'm surprised I wasn't "found out". I haven't seen my husband yet today since he left for work early this morning. He may still come home and ask where I went last night. I want to tell him so bad, "I was with someone else, we made passionate love, and I'm not in love with you."

I don't want to sit around the house this weekend. I will have to figure out something to do. I hope the weather is good. With the weird moods I have been in I really need the sunshine.

Life Is Waiting For Me

This week has been pretty eventful. Mostly very peculiar. In a way I can't wait for the week to be over. But then again I'm looking at another weekend of total boredom and loneliness.

The realization that I am unhappy in my marriage hit me so hard this week. Earlier in the week I wrote my husband a letter telling him how I felt. I realized after I wrote it I never said what I wanted to do about it. Just that I am unhappy and I think he is too, among other things. The uncertainty of what will happen scares the shit out of me. I have never been through anything like this before in my life. I have confided in a few of my friends and co-workers about this and to my surprise, they weren't surprised. Maybe I'm being too naive about the situation, but I really think that we may be able to have a co-habitive separation. Basically, that's what it seems like right now, with the exception of the fact that we are still sharing a bedroom.

My lover has been there for me more than he knows. I'm not talking about the sexual relations we have. He makes me think, and think a lot. I want so much more out of life. I want to leave my husband. Not because I have a lover. I was unhappy in my marriage before I met my lover. And that is why I pursued it. I know I got my priorities out of order. But I'm just scared of doing it and scared of the uncertainty of the future.

My lover and I are growing and learning more and more about each other. There's so many things in both of our pasts. We both have a lot of deep rooted issues that we are each dealing with. His distrust for women makes me sad. I have never had to try so hard in my life to earn someone's trust. It's so hard because one of the reasons he detaches himself is exactly the thing I'm doing to my husband. Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? I don't want to be like that at all. He has no idea how much I want him to feel comfortable around me and love me. And I go out of my way to make sure I am untouched and pure for him. I just have to be patient and understanding. I am still trying to figure out what my issues are. I do know that a lot of my reckless behavior has stemmed from my past and the fact that I didn't have a real family that cared about me. I have always had to be self-sufficient and make things happen on my own. I gave up a lot of my own needs when I started a family. Now that my kids are growing up and my husband is oblivious, I want to start living again. I know it's waiting for me out there. I need to dig deep, make a plan, and follow my heart. And I know, unlike when I was younger, I have a huge support team behind me.

WTF?

It's been a "What the Fuck?" kinda day. I'm not one to wallow in self-pity, but I feel all alone right now.

I Want To Be Happy and Loved and Why Not?

I have talked to a couple of my close friends about what I am going through right now. They have been very understanding and supportive of me and I appreciate that so much. I really don't know if I will chicken out. I hope I don't. But I wrote my husband a letter informing him that I am not happy, I'm not in love with him and I want to move on. I am so scared.

Here's my letter, his name removed...

I won’t be coming home tonight. I have a lot to think about, there’s a lot on my mind. I am really sad and I know you will be too. I think we are growing apart and are living our lives totally different than one another. I am not happy and haven’t been for awhile now. I am quite sure that you know this. A lot of this is my own fault. However, I’m so tired of the drinking every night, partying and drugs. You hang out with your friends more than you do me. You pay very little attention to me at all. When you’re not hanging out with your friends and drinking and partying you walk around the house like you are miserable and that makes me sad and angry. Most of the time it doesn’t even seem like you live here. I don’t know what else to say. I do love you, but I don’t feel like I’m in love with you or that you are in love with me. I know that this usually happens in marriages, but I can’t help but be selfish and want more. I just don’t know what to do about it. I honestly don’t think you will change being who you are and don’t expect you to. I have no idea how you feel about our relationship, I have always wondered. At times you don’t seem like you are happy and at other times you are fine. But I have had a broken heart for a long time and I don’t want to sit around hoping and waiting for things to change. I don’t know how this will end up, but I want you to be honest with me and tell me why you do the things you do, why do act like you are so miserable and unhappy and do you really think you and I are actually happy and will be together forever? Because quite honestly, I’m really not sure. And I have wondered that for a long time. I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to be hurt either and I’m tired of feeling hurt and sad and lonely.

I want to leave this letter for him and maybe stay with a friend. I have been in this marriage for so long and I am so scared of what's going to happen. But I have to dig deep and be strong and know that I don't have to continue being unhappy.

Message to My Lover:

I want you to know that while I'm going through a lot, I don't want this decision of mine to affect you or the relationship we have. I am doing this for me. I wasn't happy in my marriage even before I met you and I know that you know that. And even though my situation may change, I don't expect anything different from you. I only want you to continue being a part of my life and be understanding and honest with me, and continue being my friend and lover. I want you to know that you have been so inspirational to me. It means so much to me to know that someone can be there for me and enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.

Late Night Drive: A Secret Rendezvous

My lover and I had talked about sneaking out late at night before and meeting together. The plan was that I would drive up to his house and I would pick him up out on the road where he would be waiting for me. Well, I was feeling lonely and a bit mischievous last night and I proposed we go for it.

It took me about 45 minutes to get there. I picked him up but we had no idea where we were going to go. We stopped briefly and we kissed, like two hungry lovers with an unsatisfied appetite for each other. We drove down the main road a little ways and found a location that was private where we could be alone. We pulled in. It was so good to see and feel him.

We kissed passionately as we always do, embraced and caressed each other. He caressed my lips and I took his finger in my mouth and licked and sucked on it. He reached into my blouse and bared my breast which he took eagerly in his mouth. He was getting hard in his jeans. I rubbed his cock through his pants and looked at him longingly as I started to unzip him. I went down on him, taking his entire cock in my mouth. I love that he loves that. He pumped my mouth, grabbing my hair, until he could no longer hold it. He came in my mouth and I eagerly took all of his sweet juices.

Our rendezvous was short and sweet, but sexy and sensual as usual. The passion between us is unbelievable and undeniable. It was really exciting and spontaneous and I'm glad I went. I love every second I get to spend with him.

Happy Mother's Day

For all mom's out there... Happy Mother's Day!

My daughter called me this morning to talk to me and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. She's in Florida getting ready to board a cruise ship to the Bahamas. She's having a lot of fun.

My son will remember to tell me after he sees a commercial and remembers that it's Mother's Day. Not a top priority for a teenager I guess.

My husband won't wish me a Happy Mother's Day. He just never has. Once, when the kids were little I asked him why he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day and he said, "You're not my mother."

I still have to call my mom. I will call her right now.

Sweet Lover: A Night of Passion

I had an incredible day yesterday which extended long into the night. My lover and I made arrangements to have an overnight together. We met up in the morning just before noon. It was so good to see him because we hadn't seen each other in over a week. I was so anxious and excited the whole night before and the drive to meet him was long and torturous. But, I finally arrived and I was so happy.

He couldn't stay long as he had to drive down state to attend his class. We had a little bit of time together before he had to head out for the day, promising to return at night. We made love before he left. It was so good to feel him in my arms again.

I was so sad to see him leave. I wanted him to stay with me so bad, but he had to leave for awhile. He told me his class would probably run long, although he hoped it wouldn't, and would return some time around midnight. So I made the most of my time during his absence.

In the evening I settled down awaiting his return. I slipped into a sexy cami set and laid down to watch tv. At just a little after 10pm I got a knock on the door. It kinda scared me because I wasn't expecting my lover until later. I looked out the peep hole and to my excitement it was him returning early. I swung open the door and I was so happy. He was happy to see me too.

He curled up with me in bed and we watched some basketball on tv, talked and cuddled. I love his affection and sweet kisses. I love his every touch and the way he looks at me. His warm breath on mine is so sweet and filled with passion. We made the most passionate love. It was very hot and sexy and intense. It makes me feel so good to be able to share that with someone and I love to be able to give it all back to my lover. It just comes so naturally that I can't explain it. We are so good together.

We went to bed and it was so good to feel him next to me. I tried hard to get to sleep but it was very difficult. I lay there, feeling his warm body next to mine and listening to his breath. It made me feel warm and happy.

He had to get up early in the morning to head off to work. It would have been awesome to have spent a little more time together, but that couldn't happen. He kissed me goodbye and headed out. Damn, why didn't I get in that shower with him! I stayed a little longer and laid in bed to try and get more sleep. I rolled over onto his pillow and I could smell him. He has awakened all of my senses. I am truly enjoying my lover and I will always have a place in my heart for him.

A final thought...

I keep telling him I'm nervous, which I'm sure is confusing as hell. So I had to really think about it to figure out what I mean. The reality of it, my relationship with my lover, is this. I don't know how much of myself to give to him. I try so hard to give him everything and open up completely. And he encourages me to. The problem lies in the fact that we are not truly together, only in our escapades. I have never really had a true lover before. I've had extramarital sex, just not an ongoing love affair. It has me so excited and feeling free and uninhibited. And I want it to continue. While sex with him is totally natural and pure, I'm still learning about him. But how much am I really supposed to know and how much do I give of me? Is it okay to open up my mind and my heart to him? That would mean that I would have an emotional connection with him. And I do. I love him. So I have come to a conclusion. See, I'm an Aquarius and I have tendencies to plan everything. I need to let go of all of it and just relax and have fun. I realized this after last night because we spent more time together than before and had a lot of opportunities to talk with one another and just enjoy each other. And afterwards, today, while I'm still feeling hungry for his love, I feel a little less uptight about it. I think it's okay to be in love with him. And I want him to be my friend as well as my lover.

The Day's Escape

I didn't do a whole lot today. It was gorgeous outside, warm and sunny. I took a drive and went shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I had never been in there before, it was pretty cool. I bought some bar stools, a new feather pillow for myself (oooooh), and some rugs for my bathroom. Then I went to Payless to find some new sandals for summer. I didn't find any that I liked, but I bought 2 pairs of really sexy boots. I think I might wear a pair to see my lover. With me in them, he will probably be right at my chest level. That's so hot! : )

IMAX Experience

My son and I, along with one of my co-workers and her two kids went to the Imax Theater to see Spiderman 3 last night. It was really cool. All theaters should be built like that in my opinion. The movie was 2 1/2 hours long, but it really didn't seem like it. The seats were very comfortable and the sound and image quality were excellent.

I think my co-worker's daughter thinks I'm crazy. I spilled my drink on myself and every time I would go to pick up my drink I would pop the lid off making a farting sound. She kept giggling at me, it was really funny.

The movie itself was okay. It was probably a pretty good movie to see at an Imax as it had a lot of action and special effects. Tobie McGuire's head was like 50 feet tall! There were a lot of sappy/corny scenes, but overall it was a good movie. My son enjoyed it as well.

While my son and I were at the movies, my daughter went to her first prom. She's still sleeping so I haven't talked to her yet about it. I might sneak in her room and grab the digital camera to check out the pictures she took.